When I get my head on straight I'll tell ya

Bathing should be fucking mandatory

Or the funk of 50,000 years. Actually I don’t know what the funk of 50k years smells like, but who ever was present the olfactory enjoyment of:Cheetos, funyuns, corn chips, stale feet, and 4 day old draws needs to be ashamed of themselves. Like I get it, it’s an off day, maybe you want to run a few QUICK errands and then get back to the crib, maybe you ain planning to be gone for more than 10 or 15 minutes I get that and I myself have been there. My thing is, once I get past 20 minutes I am taking my ass home and hopping in the shower if I plan to leave the house again, why you might ask?

Because grown people funk is on some OTHER SHIT, our sweat glands are grown. They ain rookies no more with their unexpected funk, untested funk, oh no grown people funk understands marination and saturation, wind patterns, intensity, and diversification. Young funk is usually arm pits or feet, like they forgot the deodorant or to spray their shoes, maybe this is the first time those NEW/DEVELOPING areas have decided to sweat. But not grown folks, oh no from the crack of your ass to the back of your ears, each individual toe, the bottoms of you feet, the corners of your thighs. Your body has been through some shit, it’s got war stories, and each and every corner of your being wants to tell that shit, maybe audibly but usually odoriferously and it likes to take it’s time. It wants to challenge mustard gas for potency, like a bad guy trying to off the hero in a movie it is going to slowly sneak up to you, growing tendrils, ensnaring you and then finally when you don’t realize that you have been surrounded in a tear inducing must, it pounces.

Either like a cub, playfully, vexingly, causing you to spin around looking for the offending(no pun intended) object, being, or entity. Your mind coming up with scenarios of differing levels of legality to possibly deal with the foul fiend. If it’s a bug, it will be squashed and washed from your shoe, a rodent probably run away from(especially a skunk) or possibly shooed away(definitely not a skunk though, you catch a skunks business end it’s all over), a person you may be tempted to slap. That isn’t legal, it should be, high levels of funk should be seen as at least low-level biological warfare. We may suck at sex ed but I was of the understanding that in basic health class WASH YOU ASS was covered, usually under the guise of BASIC HYGIENE, we may need to adjust that to EXTENSIVE HYGIENE. There is nothing like unadulterated funk, now I understand if you have medical reasons for that shit: medication, infection, bodily disorders, but again MOST of that shit has a teenage funk quality to it. You feet stink, a sore stinks, or your body has a musky odear(old joke, as if you are saying Oh Dear or OH DEAR GOD) but it is explainable and you are doing your best.

Someone living on the street usually has a sickly sweet piss smell, it’s bad but they are in a tough situation. Showers are few and far between as are clean clothes, it may be annoying but you understand why they can’t always be springtime fresh. may even smell like shit is crusted up their asses because not a lot of good wiping materials out there, nah we ain talking about that. I’m talking about could have showered today, yesterday, last week but decided to share that wonderful scent you’ve discovered(yes the death star trash compactor scene). If you have a religious reason, your faith is your faith(and I know some do not allow perfumes or deodorants, I know not understand but it ain my place) I ain gonna tell you how to go and meet your savior but those people usually bathe it’s just the stuff that keeps the funk at bay for the rest of the day they avoid. I’m talking about lazy folks, in public, fucking it up for everybody. Look I love to get my chill on as much as the next person, my day off, unless I’m hitting the movies, I am marinating in the remnants of yesterdays funk. But if I am planning to leave for any reason MY ASS GETS WASHED THOROUGHLY.

Now some may be thinking this rant is a little extra, once again: Corn chips, Cheetos, FUNYUNS, Stale draws, and possibly unwashed feet, sneaking up on you like a fast-moving vine. Slapping you upside the head like the Walloping Willow in Harry Potter. That funk that waits for you to slightly turn your head before it slaps your back straight. That ignant stank, that disrespectful odor, that Yo mama den emptied the ENTIRE CAN of Air freshener, did they have that part in the Wiz live, Evileen stomping through the sweat shop complaining about her flying monkeys. That type funk, and we ain even trying to get Dorothy or her little dog, I got accosted like that trying to buy a 3 dollar double-sided screw driver, I ain deserve that. I wasn’t even mean to anybody, at least where they knew it, I might have thrown a few bitches and muffukas in traffic, but who hasn’t right

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3 responses

  1. This shit was TOO funny. I have to share this on my facebook page. HILARIOUS!! I’m at work dying laughing!!!!!!! LMAOOOOOO

    03/17/2016 at 10:30 AM

  2. Oh, and sorry your nostrils got assaulted. You didn’t deserve that.. (hug) LMAOOO

    03/17/2016 at 10:32 AM

    • the levels of “fuck life, society, public decency, and consideration” this person must have reached, I wish I could find them so I could see WHERE they had gotten to in life to truly not give a fuck no more. This person is a cautionary tale, like if I ever even start getting there please break out the fire hose on me.

      It was autozone though, like how you roll up in a car with somebody this funky, ain that capital punishment?

      03/17/2016 at 12:32 PM

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