When I get my head on straight I'll tell ya

All this for a car and a puppy

Abram Tarasov is having a bad day. His nephew Iosef had to be the dumbest fuck on the planet, he not only killed a dog, he stole the dog owners car and brought it here. Now normally Abram a Russian mob boss wouldn’t give a fuck, unfortunately this car is a 1969 Ford Mustang Mach 1 the car of the one and only John FUCKING WICK. A car which John Wick is most likely on his way to retrieve, for which Abram is trying to liquidate everything he has because if he doesn’t have it in his possession MAYBE John Wick won’t find a way to kill him with something painful and unnecessary.

What Abram doesn’t know is that John Wick is about to drive out of his garage with his beloved car… That is until Abram’s men decide to piss John off and stop him from retrieving his property to which John decides: Fuck it, EVERYBODY has to die. John Wick proceeds to spend the next 20 minutes fishtailing people into walls, running people over, slamming peoples heads into cars, breaking their necks, punching them in the throat and then some big bulky Russian tosses John to the ground and walks up to him like “I ain scared of you Boogey Man” only for John to shoot him in BOTH FUCKING KNEES.

Ladies and Gentleman:John which had that gun on him the entire time, beat the fuck out of multiple people who had guns, with his bare heads, like PAINFULLY fucked them up and he had a gun on him the whole fucking time. Like, “yes I could swiftly put you out of your misery, but you assholes fucked up my care so NOW I got to whip as many of yall asses as I can because I am a little miffed at the damage to my car.”

So AFTER the 20 minutes is up, John Walks upstairs, opens Abrams door, pours 2 cups of vodka, and says in fluent Russian “Peace,” to which Abram replies: Can a Man like you EVER know peace. Abram, shut the fuck up, drink the vodka and live muffuka.

Children that is what you call sage advice, because there are a lot of people who got shot through the head, in the chest, in the neck, both knees, got their arms broken, their throats slashed, and just generally dead because they couldn’t leave John Wick alone. John Wick Chapter 2 is a case study in WHY you don’t fuck with the silent killer who is known to not only do the impossible but to find ways to do it using the dumbest shit, he fucked up TWO people with the same pencil and then looked at the pencil like, “Shit haven’t I don’t it this way already? smh.” John Wick Chapter 2 is an 80’s action movie with 2017 crisp visuals. It has one liners, like when John and Cassian first meet:

C:You working John?


C:Have a Good night?

JW:Fraid So

C:I’m sorry to hear that

Dude, the best killer to ever do it is walking around a party that you working at. Once you hear “Yes” to “You working” why you ain firing or running for you ward, and why you send your boys to basically be useless ass cannon fodder. Yes a couple of guys got hits in, and now their heads have Sun roofs. John Wick and Cassian have a couple of run ins in this movie, there is actually one section where Cassian in on the top floor and John is on the lower level and they are basically exchanging “Fuck You’s” via silenced pistols. Sync up their steps walking towards an exit: Thffft, Thffft Thffft. Thffft Thffft, Thffft thffft damn near stride for stride knocking chips of plaster out the wall because they are just missing each others heads. They were walking in crowds shooting at each other like they were two kids flipping each other off on the bus during the class trip while trying not to get caught by the teacher or chaperone. This is NOT normal behavior, we don’t shoot at each other in the damn subway, wait why you pointing that gun at me, fine, yall do what you want, crazy asses.

John Wick is a 2 hour romp through the days of “who gives a fuck if it makes any sense let’s just make it entertaining.” The fact that there is a mute bodyguard/Assassin that appears to have a hard on for John Wick, basically grabbing his ass and then caressing the balls as she swipes her hands from back to front almost as if trying to antagonize John. John Wick is NOT Tupac, he is a killer and your boss has already pushed him, the fuck is wrong with you.Ares(the antagonists head bodyguard) spends half the movie flirting with John about who is or isn’t gonna kill John and making Kissy Faces. John Wick apparently also enjoys using people as human shields BEFORE putting a damn bullet through your head, did you get your ass whipped? Did he take you to the ground? Has he punched the shit out of you 8 times? Hey here comes you boy, damn there goes you POP, what the fuck you used me as cover and THEN killed me yourself DICK.

Which seriously, after a while John Wick is like the KING of Dick Moves. Whoop your ass, decide if I want to steal your gun, throw you down a flight of stairs, barely acknowledge you exist, when I do welp that’s your ass Mr. Postman. I know that John McLaine asked what do you do call 1-800-henchman but dammit John you worked in fucking Quality Control you know low level henchman don’t grown on trees, that was our whole weekend temp team. You can eat a bullet, and you can eat a bullet, whoops out of bullets how about I stab you under your jaw, oh head he has a nice gun, you get a bullet and you get a bullet, break your neck, stab you in the neck with some random object, and oh hey I’ve been looking for one of those, toss you to the ground and double tap. Yes the violence in this movie was gratuitous and so fucking what, it’s a movie not a documentary. Some guy came to collect on an old deck, blew up the house of the craziest killer he knew and acted like that shit was gonna work out well, BIIIIITCH Stevie Wonder can see that is a bad fucking idea. That Marker is a temporary reprieve but that ass whipping you signing up for is forever, I think it was also hilarious that the Manager of the Continentale in Rome was dieing to know if a dream target had drawn John Wick out of retirement. The actual movie review is over here on Blogspot I just wanted to be able to talk about all the over the top action over here, seriously what kind of man kills two people with a fucking pencil, when ALL OF THEM had guns. WTF you had to do it the slow way? What were you waiting for the lube to soak in just right(in John Wicks case, yes, yes he wanted to make sure things were slick and loose)?


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