When I get my head on straight I'll tell ya


There is a rumor that comedian Bill Bellamy in a recent interview probably promoting his new show said “BOOTY is not a gift,” since you know it was close to Valentine’s Day and of course everyone knows that both men and women look for gifts for folks. I am sure there were PLENTY of people who agreed with Mr. Bellamy I mean he is a comedy legend, had a few movies back in the day and even some decent cameos BUT Bill Misspoke. It ISN’T that Booty is not a gift, it’s the TYPE of booty that makes it the gift as well as the exoticness of said booty, and I endeavor to explain exactly what I mean.

Now let me be clear, I am in no way saying the Bill doesn’t have a point. I mean if it’s just some roll over “look we both tired lets just get these pumps in and go to bed,” sex no that is not a present nope not at all. That ain even Walmart level booty, that’s like the gas station a block from the house, dieing rose, with a half deflated mylar balloon type booty. You realize you fucked up and forgot to reserve my REAL BOOTY and just throwing something at me so I can’t complain that you ain give me shit type booty. So yes, to the ladies out there(or Men) who came home to their spouse and just dropped an unwritten on envelope, a dead flower, and maybe some half melted chocolate on the table with a half-hearted “happy valentine’s day” we gone discuss how you SHOULD have done better, with the TYPES of Gift Booty you could have given.

Let’s start at the bottom

Gas Station Booty

This isn’t to say that you can’t find anything good at the gas station, but come on now. You just stopped off to get something cheap, fast, and just there. It was ultra convenient, probably around the corner from your house, you know you really don’t need it but hey since I’m here anyway right. I mean you’l take gas station booty, just like the giant drink cups it will probably be reusable booty, but come on now while it’s “nice that you were thinking of me” in the back of your head you are really like, “fucking asshole you forgot til you probably got 10 feet from the drive way, turned around and then whoops let me get them something.” This booty is basically rolling over at like 11:15 PM realizing you ain give the person no booty, and then trying to rush through a fuck JUST to say “Hey, I gave you some booty today. Love ya” and then turning over to snore real quick. Ain really no intimacy, barely even looked at the person, and if ya did ya looked bored. Nobody likes being an afterthought nor do they like Afterthought Booty. IJS

And of course since I mentioned it earlier

Walmart Booty

Now I am not saying that Walmart gifts are always bad, they aren’t thus Walmart booty isn’t always bad but sometimes it can be uninspired and rushed. So let’s talk about the things that make for LAME Walmart Booty

  • You lay there looking uninspired
  • you’re in the most raggedy pair of draws you own
  • you are laying there barely humping just hoping it ends quickly
  • No extras, just giving them Great Value type effort

Nobody wants cold fish type booty as a gift. And dress it up a little, new draws maybe silk or more form-fitting. Ladies if you don’t like booty floss french cut or bikini style. Fellas maybe some boxers, boxer briefs, or banana hammocks it’s a special day ACT LIKE IT. Walmart is all about variety you can find almost ANYTHING at Walmart, so give them a few surprises. Or bring a friend, we will get more in-depth about EXTRA booty later but you can buy in Bulk at Wally World fulfilling a fantasy definitely makes said booty a gift. You can also bring some treats, Whip Cream, some type of syrup(fellas they may do it in a porno but DO NOT put sweet syrupy shit in the Pussy it doesn’t like that AT ALL), maybe a bow, a massager, or candles and flower petals. Hell a CD of the persons favorite artist, that raises the level of Walmart booty from kinda of lame to hey economical but thoughtful.

Creative Booty

Did somebody share a naughty video with you, did you read a trashy novel with some kind of trick in it(or watch a movie like American Pie and you found the Tongue Tornado), did you watch a porno and get inspire to try something. THIS is good gift booty, the more inventive, enticing, and exciting you make the booty the better a gift it is. Seriously

  • Did you decide to Role play
  • Are you going to give them something they wanted to try but was off-limits
  • Did you take a class(Pilates, yoga, Pole Dancing, or stripping)
  • Did you buy a special toy or arrange for a special location
  • Are you recreating a special moment
  • Attending a sex party, show, or club

Creative booty can sometimes be  the most fun, especially if it allows you to explore your sexuality, push your limits, or even scratch an itch or two. Like Creative Booty can turn into that laid out in the bed looking at the ceiling because if you look at them you have to ask, “Who the fuck are you and what did you do with my boring, proper, vanilla ass, significant other.” This is like finding out that your Wife/Girlfriend can actually perform all the dance moves in: Baby Got Back, Back that ass up, Ms. New Booty, or Get Low.


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