When I get my head on straight I'll tell ya

i.Con or the app/wearable combo that proves how long and how many strokes

Have you ever had that moment, you are at a party and a jilted lover walks up(or one night stand for you Dude Bros) and as a SLIGHTLY drunken argument ensues the discussion of your sexual prowess or lack there of becomes the topic of discussion? Do you want to have wearifiable proof of how well your soldier performed? Do you want to prove that you might not have a foot long but you do have a mouthful? Why do I have a device for you, that’s right the i.Con Smart condom.

Don’t look at me like that, I didn’t invent this shit. I don’t even know how and when somebody decided that we needed a smart watch for our schlongs but it is on it’s way. A British company is making a condom add-on(who we kidding, anybody who buys this unless the condom is required ain gonna buy one they’ll just pop the i.Con on). From the article this bad boy tracks:

  • Calories burnt during sexual intercourse – or what any other smart watch calls random dynamic workout.
  • Total number of thrusts – I mean if you need proof you aren’t a 2, 7, or 15 pump chump. Maybe you want to test The Mac Man’s 50 pumps theory
  • Frequency – Because who doesn’t want to brag about how many times they’ve fucked
  • Total Duration – Did you really cum 2 minutes ago and keep stroking or are you still champion lover
  • Girth Measurement – Hey “eating a fat dick” is not just a great insult anymore, folks actually want it on the menu
  • Speed and average velocity of thrusts – Are you a slow roller or a jack rabbit, this app will tell
  • Different Positions – was it REALLY 23 positions in that one night stand Baby
  • Average Skin Temp – Did you serve her a hot cock or was it really lukewarm, room temp, make chilly.

Hey, I have a smart watch. I count my steps, check my heart rate, oxygen count, stress levels, even how many floors I have climbed in a day buuuut do I REALLY need to know THAT much about myself. I could understand a certain level of curiosity, I am human afterall, but do I really need this much detail about how I’m fucking? Then of course there is the “share your bone stats” option, who are you sharing it with? I mean it has a feature where supposedly it checks for STI proteins, but does it check both the man and his partner of choice or just his partner. Because what if you are slinging hot dick, will it register the fact that you are shooting out something ajax can’t wash off? Also does it only count when you are having sex with another person or could somebody be masturbating for the win, which hey if you’ve been on tumblr you know folks will show it off.

As mentioned earlier unless contact with latex is what initiates the device working people are really just buying a $60 dollar cock ring. No plastic needed, granted it’s easier to advertise in a regular magazine if you call it a smart condom than it is if you admit it’s a straight up sex toy for playtime condoms optional.  It can be washed, which was a complete no brainer like who wants a funky cock ring. And like all other smart accessories you can compare you stats with other i.Con owners world-wide, anonymously of course if you are sharing the stats with your girlfriend and she wasn’t home last night and you are 10 or 15 strokes from your weekly average now that might be dat ass. Or boyfriend, as long as the dick is in use I’m assuming it collects the data so sexual orientation shouldn’t bother it at all.

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