When I get my head on straight I'll tell ya

Around the Midsouth

Obviously one does not just Dare Arby’s


Dear Arby’s

The Fuck Is THIS! No, no this is a valid question to ask. I mean we ain even gone get to the fact that they have the words NUTRITIONAL and INFORMATION at the bottom of this picture no no, that is to be tabled to a later discussion. I asked, and the Lady behind the counter said, “the sandwich has EVERY MEAT WE SERVE on it.” Not that I was thinking of ordering it, my affairs aren’t in order, and I personally don’t want to die 5 minutes after eating it nor do I feel like eating salad for the next 6 weeks to get all of that meat out of my body. I mean let’s look at this ignorant shit you have:

  1. Pepper Bacon(of course it starts with bacon, all cakes must be iced)
  2. Roast Beef(cause it’s Arby’s it’s their thing)
  3. Cheddar Cheese
  4. Angus Beef(cause they want this to be a good and flavorful death)
  5. Smoked Brisket
  6. Pit Smoked Ham(I think they believe smoke is a food group
  7. Swiss Cheese(technically at this point we are at Dagwood Level)
  8. Roast Turkey(cause yes both Turkey AND BEEF can be roasted
  9. Chicken Tenders(because if the only thing fried/greasy on this sandwich was bacon they FAILED as sandwich creators *shrug*)
  10. A Star Cut Bun(to solidify locking your bowels up)

This sandwich is served with a BACKHAND from your cardiologist. Your nutritionist will judge you for 6 months after eating this sandwich. This Sandwich looks like they were dared to put a Subway footlong on a Kaiser/Burger Roll. This sandwich looks like Punishment for coming in last at the strongman competition, “there is not enough meat in your system, we must add more meat to make your stronger!” This sandwich looks like it comes with a waiver you must sign to guarantee that you were of good health before you ate the sandwich and that you death within a week of consumption is in no way Arby’s fault. (more…)


The Naked chicken Chalupa


As fast food companies are want to do, Taco Bell is experimenting with a new food: The naked Chicken Chalupa. Of course you are asking what is that? I don’t know if the ads are running yet but that crispy bit of deliciousness right there is a piece of chicken(most likely breast), bent into the shape of a taco, FRIED, filled with lettuce, tomato, cheese, and guacamole. And it was delicious, the only thing I would have added to it was bacon, just that little bit of extra crispy, salty, snap and this thing would have been the last thing you needed to eat before death.

 

This is of course not the FIRST time anybody tried to chicken into the outside of your sandwich, the KFC Doublicious did, and it was good but really greasy and messy. The Naked Chicken Chalupa seems to have hit the perfect balance, now I may have just gotten mine made by a chalupa master, remember (more…)


Bathing should be fucking mandatory


Or the funk of 50,000 years. Actually I don’t know what the funk of 50k years smells like, but who ever was present the olfactory enjoyment of:Cheetos, funyuns, corn chips, stale feet, and 4 day old draws needs to be ashamed of themselves. Like I get it, it’s an off day, maybe you want to run a few QUICK errands and then get back to the crib, maybe you ain planning to be gone for more than 10 or 15 minutes I get that and I myself have been there. My thing is, once I get past 20 minutes I am taking my ass home and hopping in the shower if I plan to leave the house again, why you might ask?

Because grown people funk is on some OTHER SHIT, our sweat glands are grown. They ain rookies no more with their unexpected funk, untested funk, oh no grown people funk understands marination and saturation, wind patterns, intensity, and diversification. Young funk is usually arm pits or feet, like they forgot the deodorant or to spray their shoes, maybe this is the first time those NEW/DEVELOPING areas have decided to sweat. But not grown folks, oh no from the crack of your ass to the back of your ears, each individual toe, the bottoms of you feet, the corners of your thighs. Your body has been through some shit, it’s got war stories, and each and every corner of your being wants to tell that shit, maybe audibly but usually odoriferously and it likes to take it’s time. It wants to challenge mustard gas for potency, like a bad guy trying to off the hero in a movie it is going to slowly sneak up to you, growing tendrils, ensnaring you and then finally when you don’t realize that you have been surrounded in a tear inducing must, it pounces. (more…)


The first RECORDED official FTD of 2016


I know I have already had a few Fuck This Day’s in 2016, nothing is going right shit that is supposed to be easy turns around and bites me squarely on the under cheek of my ass. Not just the cheek but the under cheek, where you really got to dig when it starts itching. So, first stop of the day we are doing a house because his HDMI stopped working no big deal right, WRONG. We plug up the new HDMI extender and it doesn’t work. Now first off the TV is too tight against the wall so MAYBE that is why the previous extender didn’t work so we go downstairs to try it out there, *jeopardy wrong answer sound* nope still doesn’t work so maybe that means the HDMI port on the device doesn’t work anymore because we tested the cables.

Now at some point during lifting and replacing TV’s, removing shelves, changing and testing wires I took my leather coat off. I didn’t really notice because I had my cloth jacket on at the time too(just to have a hood to keep my ears warm), and I mainly took it off for ease of movement. I’m also supposed to be hooking up the internet, hit the WPS button, the Novo connects and here I am ready to get it done, buuuuuut while I am connected, and his internet is secured, there is no internet. Seriously no internet even though I am connected to the router. I run a few tests(that never work), I go through a few other steps and then I just go ahead and unplug it for a 30 count(yes even an IT tech really does unplug the device and do a full power cycle. You’d be surprised how often that shit works) give it a few seconds(longer than it should have taken which should have warned me what I was in for) and boom it connects. I make a few adjustments in the devices, send out the information, and let the customer and boss know what we ran in to as well as that we will have to return.

So we head out to Mississippi and get to the Flying J where I realize summa bitch did I forget my jacket? Ask YB(cause you know at 6’2 he is OUTRAGED when I call him little since you know I’m 5’10. It’s a sibling thing if you got one you understand) fuck it we gotta go back later/somebody else has to head back and check so I just let folks know and we head on out to Holly Springs. Aiight we get our marching orders and we start going about doing the do (more…)