When I get my head on straight I'll tell ya

Random

It’s April Fools Day


That means 90% of all pregnancy announcements BULLSHIT.

That “oh I always loved you, why didn’t we ever date” message from that got girl/guy will be posted on twitter, instagram, tumblr or facebook with a bunch of crying emojis at your soft, loving, and romantic response as they use you as clickbait.

Somebody is going to die today, but unless you find out tomorrow, that muffuka gone be bumming a smoke off you in the morning.

Trump Didn’t Get impeached

Nobody has incontrovertible proof that Obama was actually born in Kenya

No that is not an ACTUAL picture of Hillary Clinton’s horns

Elvis is still dead

So is Tupac

And David Bowie

No the Aliens are not here to rescue the people who know Klingon, or Wookie, or Huttese.

That magic pill will not make your dick plump up like a ball park frank and become a footlong

It won’t give you double D’s or the fattest ass either

Whatever hot trailer somebody sent you today, it’s a Rick Roll

And yes, today Rick WILL give you up, and will DAMN SURE let you down.

He already deserted you

No your ex really doesn’t want forgiveness

No I am not admitting to a damn thing, I don’t give a fuck if you have me on video.

Munchkins still ain talking to me, but they will happily steal my drink

and fuck up my name

and try to get me to make mean faces

and walk off with my damn phone “yo, get back here”

No your siblings will NOT remember all the dough they borrowed, til later, when they got you, nah really they got you

I swear I bet if we look up most of the honor duels in history they were like in the first week of April, cause I could see back in the day when you COULDN’T easily find out that somebody was yanking your chain that you wanted to stab they ass. Fuck squaring up bitch, I got you 10 paces at dawn Friday. Draw your sword muffuka, for even WASTING whatever time left before I invariably catch the plague I will END YOU, and probably go fuck your wife, again, cause that WASN’T an April Fools. Bitch ass. I don’t even want to answer my phone or text messages today cause I know most of the people I talk to THINK they funny(they not) and gone do the most, making me want to strangle them and waste bail money. Choking them would have been worth it, but bail afterwards nah.

So pay attention to your surroundings, if you see somebody in a clown outfit run. Like nothing good can come out of meeting up with a clown on April Fool’s day, seriously that is like the ultimate “X figured out the exact moment, when They fucked up!!!” like what is the BEST thing that can happen, the clown just wants a goofy ass selfie. The worst that can happen, fam, it’s a clown, on the national holiday of pranks they have been training for this. Stanky cream pies, nut shots, Ink Flowers, whoopie cushions, hand buzzers, and that is just the TIP of the rusty dick you will probably get fucked with. NO CLOWNS, I don’t mind them on a normal day but today you will catch these hands.


Obviously one does not just Dare Arby’s


Dear Arby’s

The Fuck Is THIS! No, no this is a valid question to ask. I mean we ain even gone get to the fact that they have the words NUTRITIONAL and INFORMATION at the bottom of this picture no no, that is to be tabled to a later discussion. I asked, and the Lady behind the counter said, “the sandwich has EVERY MEAT WE SERVE on it.” Not that I was thinking of ordering it, my affairs aren’t in order, and I personally don’t want to die 5 minutes after eating it nor do I feel like eating salad for the next 6 weeks to get all of that meat out of my body. I mean let’s look at this ignorant shit you have:

  1. Pepper Bacon(of course it starts with bacon, all cakes must be iced)
  2. Roast Beef(cause it’s Arby’s it’s their thing)
  3. Cheddar Cheese
  4. Angus Beef(cause they want this to be a good and flavorful death)
  5. Smoked Brisket
  6. Pit Smoked Ham(I think they believe smoke is a food group
  7. Swiss Cheese(technically at this point we are at Dagwood Level)
  8. Roast Turkey(cause yes both Turkey AND BEEF can be roasted
  9. Chicken Tenders(because if the only thing fried/greasy on this sandwich was bacon they FAILED as sandwich creators *shrug*)
  10. A Star Cut Bun(to solidify locking your bowels up)

This sandwich is served with a BACKHAND from your cardiologist. Your nutritionist will judge you for 6 months after eating this sandwich. This Sandwich looks like they were dared to put a Subway footlong on a Kaiser/Burger Roll. This sandwich looks like Punishment for coming in last at the strongman competition, “there is not enough meat in your system, we must add more meat to make your stronger!” This sandwich looks like it comes with a waiver you must sign to guarantee that you were of good health before you ate the sandwich and that you death within a week of consumption is in no way Arby’s fault. (more…)


The first official “shiny head” day of 2017


Eikichi is a dick, yes this is the only way this post can begin. Way back in 07 or 08 when I just got back from Atlanta, pre marital collapse, I returned of course with much shorter hair. When I left in 06 I had past my shoulder locks and when I came back I basically had a low easily maintained fro. The problem with the easily maintained fro was of course it wasn’t my locks, and I didn’t want to go through the relocating process again. So after a good year of letting it grow out, looking scruffy as hell and then trimming it back I had a “fuck it” day.

Now I don’t remember how close to eye patch week “fuck it” day was but I know I grabbed some clippers, went to a mirror and shaved every inch off the top of my head. Now everyone else had a normal reaction: nice cut, you look good, that’s different but no, not Eikichi his ass screams out “Señor Shiny Head”because he’s a 5’8 3/4” DICK and has for the most part screamed it out every mid to late March ever since because that’s about the time of year when I finally shave my head because the weather is warm enough for me to no longer worry about “head colds.”  (more…)


This is NOT a mic drop Moment


Dear Verizon,

The FUCK is THIS, no seriously how you gonna not only drop A mic but THREE  mics not a month after you dropped this dumbass bombshell. Yes I know it wasn’t that long ago cause I ain been blogging again on here but since the beginning of 2017 and yup looky here this is me COMMENTING on the very foolish nature of the damn “5 GB for 55 bucks cause that’s all your need or really use any fucking way you whiny babies” of the commercial. Seriously who is in your ad and marketing department? Are they going through some family issues, did you turn it over to your young intern department and they really haven’t found their voice yet so they just say whatever comes to mind, cause in a month you went from “Who the fuck needs unlimited data, take this 5 fucking GB’s and pay us our overage fees and like it” to “FINALLY UNLIMITED DATA has come to VERIZON” like that previous shit ain never happen.

I mean I heard that T-mobile clowned you on Twitter, and I see Sprint having a FIELD DAY with that ass in their commercials. I mean it’s one thing to steal your old friend the “Can you hear me now” dude, but to  then make a shitload of videos showing peoples data running out because: everybody data run out we are data whores. (more…)


The GIFT of BOOTY


There is a rumor that comedian Bill Bellamy in a recent interview probably promoting his new show said “BOOTY is not a gift,” since you know it was close to Valentine’s Day and of course everyone knows that both men and women look for gifts for folks. I am sure there were PLENTY of people who agreed with Mr. Bellamy I mean he is a comedy legend, had a few movies back in the day and even some decent cameos BUT Bill Misspoke. It ISN’T that Booty is not a gift, it’s the TYPE of booty that makes it the gift as well as the exoticness of said booty, and I endeavor to explain exactly what I mean.

Now let me be clear, I am in no way saying the Bill doesn’t have a point. I mean if it’s just some roll over “look we both tired lets just get these pumps in and go to bed,” sex no that is not a present nope not at all. That ain even Walmart level booty, that’s like the gas station a block from the house, dieing rose, with a half deflated mylar balloon type booty. You realize you fucked up and forgot to reserve my REAL BOOTY and just throwing something at me so I can’t complain that you ain give me shit type booty. So yes, to the ladies out there(or Men) who came home to their spouse and just dropped an unwritten on envelope, a dead flower, and maybe some half melted chocolate on the table with a half-hearted “happy valentine’s day” we gone discuss how you SHOULD have done better, with the TYPES of Gift Booty you could have given.

(more…)


All this for a car and a puppy


Abram Tarasov is having a bad day. His nephew Iosef had to be the dumbest fuck on the planet, he not only killed a dog, he stole the dog owners car and brought it here. Now normally Abram a Russian mob boss wouldn’t give a fuck, unfortunately this car is a 1969 Ford Mustang Mach 1 the car of the one and only John FUCKING WICK. A car which John Wick is most likely on his way to retrieve, for which Abram is trying to liquidate everything he has because if he doesn’t have it in his possession MAYBE John Wick won’t find a way to kill him with something painful and unnecessary.

What Abram doesn’t know is that John Wick is about to drive out of his garage with his beloved car… That is until Abram’s men decide to piss John off and stop him from retrieving his property to which John decides: Fuck it, EVERYBODY has to die. John Wick proceeds to spend the next 20 minutes fishtailing people into walls, running people over, slamming peoples heads into cars, breaking their necks, punching them in the throat and then some big bulky Russian tosses John to the ground and walks up to him like “I ain scared of you Boogey Man” only for John to shoot him in BOTH FUCKING KNEES.

Ladies and Gentleman:John which had that gun on him the entire time, beat the fuck out of multiple people who had guns, with his bare heads, like PAINFULLY fucked them up and he had a gun on him the whole fucking time. Like, “yes I could swiftly put you out of your misery, but you assholes fucked up my care so NOW I got to whip as many of yall asses as I can because I am a little miffed at the damage to my car.”

So AFTER the 20 minutes is up, John Walks upstairs, opens Abrams door, pours 2 cups of vodka, and says in fluent Russian “Peace,” to which Abram replies: Can a Man like you EVER know peace. Abram, shut the fuck up, drink the vodka and live muffuka. (more…)


Aside

Looks like I need to get writing over here


Ever since I started doing “Throwback Thursday” posts both over here and on blogspot it seems that my draft folders are starting to get pretty empty. Which in one sense is fine, I really never meant for them to be in draft in the first place I just got busy but in the next sense damn, “Damn I really do need to start writing more posts, hopefully finishing them but at least starting them so that something is there.” I mean I don’t know about you but while I may type fast I ain sitting down in front of any electronic device as much as I used to unless it’s a phone. Hell I don’t even really play any games on my phone anymore.

Seriously though, I do need to get on the ball. I did start a post on the new show “Legion” on FX following Charles Xavier’s(yes the bald guy from X-me) David Haller who’s codename is Legion. I will hopefully finish that, I want to see the second episode so that I can answer a few more questions before I do. Maybe change up the way I am doing it. Anyway, happy hump day all be safe, get through the grind, then come home and sneak a few cookies or treats


The day that will live in Infamy


Today is Eikichi’s birthday, my youngest brother The Original Brat, Captain “c’mon just buy me, I got you back later“, as well as the Lord of “what you watch or play is lame” only to be playing some archaic ass game that has a convoluted ass plot or watching some anime with random nudity and multifluidity. Anyone who has a youngest sibling will know that A they have no patience, B they are a snitch, and C they STAY up in your pockets because welp you have had money for the majority of their lives because you older so why not.

Today’s plan is to catch the matinee of John Wick Chapter 2, yes I adjusted my USUAL time schedule to accommodate the fact he’s a grown ass man and might want to do other shit for his birthday. I am not a complete asshole, as far as buying him snacks and shit I own know that muffuka be wanting drinks, Reese’s pieces, and sometimes popcorn. Like YO that’s 20 bucks fam, you ain a cheap date(yes I have actually said that to him). But it should be a fun day for everybody the first John Wick was cool as shit so hopefully this one lives up to the original.


Dear hearts, let me soothe you


I know some of yall had your hopes up, you did I know it looked so damn appealing. Which is when you should have known it was a set up, the NFL has set Tom Brady up to always be the PERFECT Underdog.

Tom Brady against the league(pfft unless Brady is hurt the Patriots Cakewalk through their division whats 4 games when you always win the division anyway?)

Tom Brady against father time(Brady doesn’t run, he mostly drops back and passes father time doesn’t bother him at all)

Tom Brady against the scoreboard(Did you forget that MOST of Brady’s Super Bowl wins came via comeback?)

Seriously though, if the guy QBing the other team ISN’T named Manning Tom Brady is going to win. I think he and Peyton were within a game of each other in the win loss column and Eli is undefeated vs Brady in the post season but other than that, 5-2 yup if Eli Manning ain playing on the other side of the ball Brady is just waiting for the zeroes to click down on his next ring. “It doesn’t happen like that, Tom Brady is just a great player” he is a great player who somehow always gets the flags and his opponents never do(unless again their last name is Manning), this is not to say that I feel bad for the Atlanta Falcons yeah yeah they did well against my lack of faith in them for 2 weeks ain mean shit. They were in the Superbowl vs Tom Brady, they didn’t realize they had lost yet in the first half but when they went up by 3 scores ol Tom had them right where he wanted them. Comfortable, thinking they were in control, in at the half celebrating already. (more…)


Madden 17 first play through


If you read my last post you know I just purchased Madden seventeen for a soon to be Tubman(currently still Jackson) and after waiting for it to download overnight(at damn near 30 gigs it took a minute) I didn’t get a chance to play it. I saw it was downloaded this morning didn’t really want to rush a play through because A) Madden ALWAYS changes shit, they add a new juke, change the tackle buttons, change the shed block buttons, fuck up the rosters, and of course they added this new MUT (Madden Ultimate team) and Draft Kings thing who knows how many maddens back but it is obviously here to stay.

Anyway so this years changes were basically they added “Quick Time Events” to the running and tackling, last year they allowed you to fight for the ball in the air so you could be aggressive going for the ball, you could get ready to run after the catch and I think there was just like a Possession(say if you just wanted to catch the ball at the spot). They also made it so that the right thumb stick added either extra oompf or else a few tricks to some of your moves. Defense you could do a peanut punch(try to knock the ball lose) offense it allowed you to do more juke moves, but you could still just do the old whenever you felt like it one button touch moves, now with the quick time events(which I have yet to get right) yes you MIGHT get an awesome result out of it but you probably just gone get tackled. (more…)