Yes, I put awesome in air quotes. It’s not that the day was completely terrible nor was it completely great it was all over the place. The start was crazy, I overslept. Then it turned to the weird, then it got back on the good foot and now I am in geek heaven.
My nephew was here over the weekend(plus Monday) and his relationship with sleep was like a coin flip 2 days he slept, 2 days you could swear he was the spokesman for no doz. You put a movie on to get him to sleep(usually Dory, or Dooor Weee) and he laughs, giggles, rolls around, and pounces on you through the whole thing. “Wait, you trying to get him to sleep why were you there for him to pounce on?” Because he kept acting like he wanted somebody to lay there at the foot of the bed so he could sleep in a new room(made up a guest room for him, decked out in yup you guessed it Dory and Nemo). He would walk up to my door, open it, look in, play around in the bathroom water. So if you lay at the foot of the bed he was more inclined to stay in it(not to sleep just stay in the room). Now 2 nights he was up past 2 am, why because he felt like it. 2 nights he went to bed between 10 and 11:30 pm. Dealers choice, granted the dealer ALSO stopped up my bathroom sink but hey shit was fun Unc why you hating. (more…)
That means 90% of all pregnancy announcements BULLSHIT.
That “oh I always loved you, why didn’t we ever date” message from that got girl/guy will be posted on twitter, instagram, tumblr or facebook with a bunch of crying emojis at your soft, loving, and romantic response as they use you as clickbait.
Somebody is going to die today, but unless you find out tomorrow, that muffuka gone be bumming a smoke off you in the morning.
Trump Didn’t Get impeached
Nobody has incontrovertible proof that Obama was actually born in Kenya
No that is not an ACTUAL picture of Hillary Clinton’s horns
Elvis is still dead
So is Tupac
And David Bowie
No the Aliens are not here to rescue the people who know Klingon, or Wookie, or Huttese.
That magic pill will not make your dick plump up like a ball park frank and become a footlong
It won’t give you double D’s or the fattest ass either
Whatever hot trailer somebody sent you today, it’s a Rick Roll
And yes, today Rick WILL give you up, and will DAMN SURE let you down.
He already deserted you
No your ex really doesn’t want forgiveness
No I am not admitting to a damn thing, I don’t give a fuck if you have me on video.
Munchkins still ain talking to me, but they will happily steal my drink
and fuck up my name
and try to get me to make mean faces
and walk off with my damn phone “yo, get back here”
No your siblings will NOT remember all the dough they borrowed, til later, when they got you, nah really they got you
I swear I bet if we look up most of the honor duels in history they were like in the first week of April, cause I could see back in the day when you COULDN’T easily find out that somebody was yanking your chain that you wanted to stab they ass. Fuck squaring up bitch, I got you 10 paces at dawn Friday. Draw your sword muffuka, for even WASTING whatever time left before I invariably catch the plague I will END YOU, and probably go fuck your wife, again, cause that WASN’T an April Fools. Bitch ass. I don’t even want to answer my phone or text messages today cause I know most of the people I talk to THINK they funny(they not) and gone do the most, making me want to strangle them and waste bail money. Choking them would have been worth it, but bail afterwards nah.
So pay attention to your surroundings, if you see somebody in a clown outfit run. Like nothing good can come out of meeting up with a clown on April Fool’s day, seriously that is like the ultimate “X figured out the exact moment, when They fucked up!!!” like what is the BEST thing that can happen, the clown just wants a goofy ass selfie. The worst that can happen, fam, it’s a clown, on the national holiday of pranks they have been training for this. Stanky cream pies, nut shots, Ink Flowers, whoopie cushions, hand buzzers, and that is just the TIP of the rusty dick you will probably get fucked with. NO CLOWNS, I don’t mind them on a normal day but today you will catch these hands.
While I agree that SALT is a spice, normally it is used SPARINGLY in a dish. To draw out a dishes essence, what folks don’t do is drown something in salt, cook it, then store it in salt, and serve it. I don’t know if it was the preparers first day, or if they thought that they could be the next Salt Bae, or if they were going for a “dry rub” effect.
This is what I do know, that wasn’t Spicy Chicken tenders I got earlier, it was Spicy Salt. I don’t mean that it was KIND of salty, I mean that if it wasn’t for the fact that I topped off my drink BEFORE I left the restaurant then I would probably be a dried up snail on the side of the road. I enjoyed the DBZ movie Lord Slug, I wasn’t trying to become his pompous ass. And I damn sure wasn’t trying to die an ironic death, I just wanted some Spicy Chicken Tenders maybe add a little honey mustard. And the sad thing, once I washed the taste of SALT out of my mouth there was a decent amount of heat. I’m sure there is some chicken down their getting extremely well preserved for the long journey across the plains of “who the fuck taught this muffuka how to cook.” I figure this travesty HOPEFULLY comes down to a few factors (more…)
It’s been a shitty day, the ending of which soared the the very top of Shit Mountain, planted a flag, and yodeled in victory. But, I don’t want to talk about that, I still have to decompress. What I will talk about is LUNCH, yes we went to lunch today around 12 pm. Wasn’t nothing special about lunch, just went to McDonald’s ordered a Grand Mac combo, Medium, Spotted Eikichi, got my cup and tried to walk away and then, it happened.
Now understand, people asking you for shit FRESH out the line in Mickey D’s ain new.
- Hey man can I get a quarter
- Hey Big man can ya spot me
- You got any change
- Could you buy me
- hey can I have some of your
People infringing on your meal time peace of mind is so expected most of us either ignore them out of hand, give them a polite no, or an extremely stern fuck off. But that’s when you hear NORMAL REQUESTS, and I am sure plenty of shit can be added the to five I have up there. But this shit was new (more…)
It appears that Sprint and T-mobile’s constant nailing Verizon is starting to sting. The problem is Verizon has lost it’s muffukin mind, have you seen their new ad? No, let me roll that beautiful bean footage. Yes, Verizon has decided to tell everyone that with your Facebook, Periscope, Twitch, Youtube, Amazon Prime, Hulu, Netflix, and Twitter along with whatever other Apps you choose to use. Now I don’t know about you but I know how much data I blow through and 5 gigs barely covers it.
So, what does this commercial make me think? A that Verizon thinks people are dumb as shit. There is no other excuse for telling people “You don’t use as much data as you think you do, don’t pay for unlimited Data nooo just get 5 gigs from us and pay overage fees forever and a day.” This is not to say that I DON’T understand the play, I do. It is RARELY beneficial to concede a point to a rival, especially a point this large, the problem is this WASN’T the way to combat that play. T-mobile made streaming date to certain Apps free. IE Hulu, Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Youtube don’t count towards your data limit for the month. Now I am sure that some deals and concessions were made but you can’t tell me Verizon doesn’t have the pull or cash flow to make the same deals (more…)