When I get my head on straight I'll tell ya

The Primal Files

It’s April Fools Day


That means 90% of all pregnancy announcements BULLSHIT.

That “oh I always loved you, why didn’t we ever date” message from that got girl/guy will be posted on twitter, instagram, tumblr or facebook with a bunch of crying emojis at your soft, loving, and romantic response as they use you as clickbait.

Somebody is going to die today, but unless you find out tomorrow, that muffuka gone be bumming a smoke off you in the morning.

Trump Didn’t Get impeached

Nobody has incontrovertible proof that Obama was actually born in Kenya

No that is not an ACTUAL picture of Hillary Clinton’s horns

Elvis is still dead

So is Tupac

And David Bowie

No the Aliens are not here to rescue the people who know Klingon, or Wookie, or Huttese.

That magic pill will not make your dick plump up like a ball park frank and become a footlong

It won’t give you double D’s or the fattest ass either

Whatever hot trailer somebody sent you today, it’s a Rick Roll

And yes, today Rick WILL give you up, and will DAMN SURE let you down.

He already deserted you

No your ex really doesn’t want forgiveness

No I am not admitting to a damn thing, I don’t give a fuck if you have me on video.

Munchkins still ain talking to me, but they will happily steal my drink

and fuck up my name

and try to get me to make mean faces

and walk off with my damn phone “yo, get back here”

No your siblings will NOT remember all the dough they borrowed, til later, when they got you, nah really they got you

I swear I bet if we look up most of the honor duels in history they were like in the first week of April, cause I could see back in the day when you COULDN’T easily find out that somebody was yanking your chain that you wanted to stab they ass. Fuck squaring up bitch, I got you 10 paces at dawn Friday. Draw your sword muffuka, for even WASTING whatever time left before I invariably catch the plague I will END YOU, and probably go fuck your wife, again, cause that WASN’T an April Fools. Bitch ass. I don’t even want to answer my phone or text messages today cause I know most of the people I talk to THINK they funny(they not) and gone do the most, making me want to strangle them and waste bail money. Choking them would have been worth it, but bail afterwards nah.

So pay attention to your surroundings, if you see somebody in a clown outfit run. Like nothing good can come out of meeting up with a clown on April Fool’s day, seriously that is like the ultimate “X figured out the exact moment, when They fucked up!!!” like what is the BEST thing that can happen, the clown just wants a goofy ass selfie. The worst that can happen, fam, it’s a clown, on the national holiday of pranks they have been training for this. Stanky cream pies, nut shots, Ink Flowers, whoopie cushions, hand buzzers, and that is just the TIP of the rusty dick you will probably get fucked with. NO CLOWNS, I don’t mind them on a normal day but today you will catch these hands.


Obviously one does not just Dare Arby’s


Dear Arby’s

The Fuck Is THIS! No, no this is a valid question to ask. I mean we ain even gone get to the fact that they have the words NUTRITIONAL and INFORMATION at the bottom of this picture no no, that is to be tabled to a later discussion. I asked, and the Lady behind the counter said, “the sandwich has EVERY MEAT WE SERVE on it.” Not that I was thinking of ordering it, my affairs aren’t in order, and I personally don’t want to die 5 minutes after eating it nor do I feel like eating salad for the next 6 weeks to get all of that meat out of my body. I mean let’s look at this ignorant shit you have:

  1. Pepper Bacon(of course it starts with bacon, all cakes must be iced)
  2. Roast Beef(cause it’s Arby’s it’s their thing)
  3. Cheddar Cheese
  4. Angus Beef(cause they want this to be a good and flavorful death)
  5. Smoked Brisket
  6. Pit Smoked Ham(I think they believe smoke is a food group
  7. Swiss Cheese(technically at this point we are at Dagwood Level)
  8. Roast Turkey(cause yes both Turkey AND BEEF can be roasted
  9. Chicken Tenders(because if the only thing fried/greasy on this sandwich was bacon they FAILED as sandwich creators *shrug*)
  10. A Star Cut Bun(to solidify locking your bowels up)

This sandwich is served with a BACKHAND from your cardiologist. Your nutritionist will judge you for 6 months after eating this sandwich. This Sandwich looks like they were dared to put a Subway footlong on a Kaiser/Burger Roll. This sandwich looks like Punishment for coming in last at the strongman competition, “there is not enough meat in your system, we must add more meat to make your stronger!” This sandwich looks like it comes with a waiver you must sign to guarantee that you were of good health before you ate the sandwich and that you death within a week of consumption is in no way Arby’s fault. (more…)


It’s about damn time Sony


FINALLY PLAYSTATION HAS COME INTO THE EXTERNAL STORAGE GENERATION! 

Yes it has to be said like that, it has been a sticking point since the middle of the extended console generation of the Xbox 360 and the PS3, Sony has been dicking around with allowing you to use external hard drives to save your games(not you save files but the games themselves) and transport them around. It was actually one of the BIGGEST role reversals in the last two console generations, with the PS3 Sony was DRM’d down and as horror stories came out about it folks were flocking to the Xbox 360 for the free gaming experience and the lack of hardline when it came to whether or not you could buy, sell, or rent the games. Unfortunately when it came to the Xbox one Microsoft jumped too far with the “always on, always connected to the internet” rhetoric when it came to the Xbox one. You had to have the camera(which they had an understandable reason for, it wasn’t explained well) and so was them wanting you to always be connected to the internet(for constant software updates) once again their messenger SUCKED.

The one thing that they DID present correctly was the ability to buy external storage to boost your Xbox One from 500 GB internal(which was what most of the initial consoles of both companies shipped with) to 500 internal plus whatever size external drive was available at the time. In 2013 that would most likely have been a 1 tb, which at the time would have been pretty good for an external drive, and I’m sure if you had an arm or leg to spare you might even find a 2 tb or maybe a 3 tb of the storage with it’s own power source. (more…)


Salt Bae’s ignant ass cousin


Dear Hardees,

While I agree that SALT is a spice, normally it is used SPARINGLY in a dish. To draw out a dishes essence, what folks don’t do is drown something in salt, cook it, then store it in salt, and serve it. I don’t know if it was the preparers first day, or if they thought that they could be the next Salt Bae, or if they were going for a “dry rub” effect.

This is what I do know, that wasn’t Spicy Chicken tenders I got earlier, it was Spicy Salt. I don’t mean that it was KIND of salty, I mean that if it wasn’t for the fact that I topped off my drink BEFORE I left the restaurant then I would probably be a dried up snail on the side of the road. I enjoyed the DBZ movie Lord Slug, I wasn’t trying to become his pompous ass. And I damn sure wasn’t trying to die an ironic death, I just wanted some Spicy Chicken Tenders maybe add a little honey mustard. And the sad thing, once I washed the taste of SALT out of my mouth there was a decent amount of heat. I’m sure there is some chicken down their getting extremely well preserved for the long journey across the plains of “who the fuck taught this muffuka how to cook.” I figure this travesty HOPEFULLY comes down to a few factors (more…)


The first official “shiny head” day of 2017


Eikichi is a dick, yes this is the only way this post can begin. Way back in 07 or 08 when I just got back from Atlanta, pre marital collapse, I returned of course with much shorter hair. When I left in 06 I had past my shoulder locks and when I came back I basically had a low easily maintained fro. The problem with the easily maintained fro was of course it wasn’t my locks, and I didn’t want to go through the relocating process again. So after a good year of letting it grow out, looking scruffy as hell and then trimming it back I had a “fuck it” day.

Now I don’t remember how close to eye patch week “fuck it” day was but I know I grabbed some clippers, went to a mirror and shaved every inch off the top of my head. Now everyone else had a normal reaction: nice cut, you look good, that’s different but no, not Eikichi his ass screams out “Señor Shiny Head”because he’s a 5’8 3/4” DICK and has for the most part screamed it out every mid to late March ever since because that’s about the time of year when I finally shave my head because the weather is warm enough for me to no longer worry about “head colds.”  (more…)


Primal’s “Are you gone eat yo Cornbread” moment


It’s been a shitty day, the ending of which soared the the very top of Shit Mountain, planted a flag, and yodeled in victory. But, I don’t want to talk about that, I still have to decompress. What I will talk about is LUNCH, yes we went to lunch today around 12 pm. Wasn’t nothing special about lunch, just went to McDonald’s ordered a Grand Mac combo, Medium, Spotted Eikichi, got my cup and tried to walk away and then, it happened.

Now understand, people asking you for shit FRESH out the line in Mickey D’s ain new.

  1. Hey man can I get a quarter
  2. Hey Big man can ya spot me
  3. You got any change
  4. Could you buy me
  5. hey can I have some of your

People infringing on your meal time peace of mind is so expected most of us either ignore them out of hand, give them a polite no, or an extremely stern fuck off. But that’s when you hear NORMAL REQUESTS, and I am sure plenty of shit can be added the to five I have up there. But this shit was new (more…)


It’s movie review writing day


Yup, when I get off from work today I have to write the review for John Wick Chapter 2. I’ll start it on blogspot and decide when I get halfway through whether or not it should stay there or come over here. John Wick is an R rated movie, with a lot of cursing, State Birds, blood, gore, death, pain, a slight bit of comedy, and a deep sense of (invented) tradition. I actually have a few titles for it in mind, which is always fun because do I want to be silly with it, do I want to take it out of context or be direct.

Honestly Eikichi is being weird because he is complaining John Wick 2 is too much like Commando, like dude Commando is part of the Royalty of 80’s movies thou shalt not disparage awesome 80’s action movies the fuck? Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rae Dawn Chong, Vernon Wells, Bill Duke, and a young Alyssa Milano how can you act like there is anything wrong with that movie. Lots of explosions, bullets, one liners, and crazy stunts. It’s a joke now but the 80’s invented the “cool guys don’t look at explosions” phenomena. Yeah, so it’s been two days whatever remains of the movie remains THE ESSENCE if you will. Not because I have a terrible memory, but because I watch other things on TV, have a job, and of course I’m planning out my next movie foray whether or not you like a movie depends on how fondly you remember it through the noise of a million other distractions(or at least that’s how I feel), some you love, some you hate, but if you barely remember it well it really couldn’t have been that good now could it.

Anyway enough word salad, I hope everyone has a great Tuesday and for the lovers out there: Lick it before you stick it, lube is your friend, and you can be a little cheeky if you are being freaky but always remember and respect the “safe word”


The day that will live in Infamy


Today is Eikichi’s birthday, my youngest brother The Original Brat, Captain “c’mon just buy me, I got you back later“, as well as the Lord of “what you watch or play is lame” only to be playing some archaic ass game that has a convoluted ass plot or watching some anime with random nudity and multifluidity. Anyone who has a youngest sibling will know that A they have no patience, B they are a snitch, and C they STAY up in your pockets because welp you have had money for the majority of their lives because you older so why not.

Today’s plan is to catch the matinee of John Wick Chapter 2, yes I adjusted my USUAL time schedule to accommodate the fact he’s a grown ass man and might want to do other shit for his birthday. I am not a complete asshole, as far as buying him snacks and shit I own know that muffuka be wanting drinks, Reese’s pieces, and sometimes popcorn. Like YO that’s 20 bucks fam, you ain a cheap date(yes I have actually said that to him). But it should be a fun day for everybody the first John Wick was cool as shit so hopefully this one lives up to the original.


Dear hearts, let me soothe you


I know some of yall had your hopes up, you did I know it looked so damn appealing. Which is when you should have known it was a set up, the NFL has set Tom Brady up to always be the PERFECT Underdog.

Tom Brady against the league(pfft unless Brady is hurt the Patriots Cakewalk through their division whats 4 games when you always win the division anyway?)

Tom Brady against father time(Brady doesn’t run, he mostly drops back and passes father time doesn’t bother him at all)

Tom Brady against the scoreboard(Did you forget that MOST of Brady’s Super Bowl wins came via comeback?)

Seriously though, if the guy QBing the other team ISN’T named Manning Tom Brady is going to win. I think he and Peyton were within a game of each other in the win loss column and Eli is undefeated vs Brady in the post season but other than that, 5-2 yup if Eli Manning ain playing on the other side of the ball Brady is just waiting for the zeroes to click down on his next ring. “It doesn’t happen like that, Tom Brady is just a great player” he is a great player who somehow always gets the flags and his opponents never do(unless again their last name is Manning), this is not to say that I feel bad for the Atlanta Falcons yeah yeah they did well against my lack of faith in them for 2 weeks ain mean shit. They were in the Superbowl vs Tom Brady, they didn’t realize they had lost yet in the first half but when they went up by 3 scores ol Tom had them right where he wanted them. Comfortable, thinking they were in control, in at the half celebrating already. (more…)


For those looking for my movie reviews


The only time I will do a movie review over here will be in the event of it being EXTREMELY raunchy ala The Hangover, or I want to curse the living hell out of it either in fun(Deadpool) or in pain(Batman v Superman: Dawn of Sucking). Any and all movie reviews can be found on Blogspot here, unless stated early in the blog I try not to put ANY spoilers in there I may speak on the first 15 minutes or so but I try to give no more about the movie than you get from the trailers that came out. I don’t have a “star method” or a “rating system” either I liked a movie or I didn’t. If there are some nit pick things about the movie I will mention them, and if they aren’t so much about THAT movie but maybe the genre the movie is in and a few tropes they or the industry over use I try to mention that. Not that use of a well worn trope is always bad(if it’s an action movie we are going to get a shit ton of explosions and we all likey), but they do deserve a mention sometimes.

Movie rants will usually be over here mainly because it takes a whole lot of effort not to drop F bombs during a rant, and going back to edit them all out nope not fun at all. Unless it’s not so much a rant as it is a critique as to why I think a movie failed, did well, or missed it’s mark whether slightly or monumentally. An observational rant is slightly easier to control. Today’s review of “Underworld Blood Wars” should be up shortly, if not by the time you read this feel free to check it out. As always the freedom allotted me on WordPress is not always needed sometimes I can say it without all the expletives. Especially since I have someplace to get it out when I need them. Not that this is a “I’m about to disappear again” blog, no just a letting you know what else I’m doing.  (more…)