When I get my head on straight I'll tell ya

The Primal Files

I think it’s time we stop saying Spider-man Homecoming flopped


And by we I mean of course the people who near the middle of July after the movie had only been out two weeks tried to pretend that Homecoming would not have legs due to an upcoming crowded field. And yet, just like Guardians Vol. 2 and Wonder Woman, in its second month of Release it has hit 300 million plus. Which would be more than BOTH of the Amazing Spider-man movies that Sony released on its own(neither made more than 265 million) were able to scare up. Now no it has not yet  caught up to the ORIGINAL Spider-man run with Maguire and Raimi but it also cost less than all of them to make.

I get it though, as usual people wanted to run out in front. It premiered better than the last two movies(at 117 million. Which Killed ASM by almost its full opening night, and had ASM2 but 20 million) but as it was a packed month with a few other movies coming up in August people wanted to spell doom and gloom. But this movie was going to make 300 million. and 330 to 350 million isn’t completely out of the realm of possibilities either. Did it slow down, yes is there as much competition now as there was saaaaay at the end of July? No. Quite a few movies have come out, either not done as well as expected or else tailed off just as quickly and when you think of movies you want to see again Spider-man stuck close enough to the source material that I can see folks wanting to check out subtle clues they missed. It’s been over a month, yes my review is way late but to put it simply, Marvel Studios threw a “fuck Peter Parker, Cause Stan Lee says so” in there. It was so meta and awesome, because honestly though he is there most famous character, he is also their most famously FUCKED character.  (more…)


Primal, the ultimate asshole


Now let me preface tis by saying, I am no stranger to being called an asshole. Hell when it comes to videos games I am no stranger to being publicly called an asshole or shouted out as an asshole. I remember the old “glitch” or was it a feature in Killer Instinct where as Cinder you could basically double back flip someone into eternity, catch they ass with a pop up combo, and tha thump tha thump their ass until their first health bar was gone. Then catch them in a pop up combo on their final energy bar and only let them down to ultra combo that ass and THEN catch them for the extra 50 hits. Oh wait let’s not forget the famous “All you do is play rainbow 6 and watch the 40 year old virgin all day” incident. Which yes, ALL that shit was true. When he seemed enraged that I had NEVER seen the 40 year old virgin, which he though was a great movie I PREVENTED the next round from starting for 20 minutes just to make sure he and ALL OF HIS TEAM MATES knew just how big of a bitch he was for calling me out for not doing that which he actually did.

While STILL sucking at Rainbow 6, I believe it was Vegas at the time. Now TECHNICALLY I am an asshole for some shit I did last night, but let me say this while I am gaming UNLESS you are on my friends list I am NOT going to stop gaming because you just so happen to shoot me a message so that I can read it, and then respond to you in a timely fashion. We’ll get into more details after the jump (more…)


Primaldata CASUAL Gamer


I have been called MANY things in my life, a casual gamer has never been one of them. Let’s keep it real I have never really been a big podcast fan mainly because I am either gaming, watching sports, reading, watching movies, watching my shows on TV, or just goofing around on the internet and NOT blogging(cause yeah I can’t even use writing posts like this as an excuse) so for somebody to tell me that I am a CASUAL Gamer because my Trophy level on PSN is only level 7 (smh, when you can’t even tell a 6 from a 7 you have issues my dude) is a little shocking. I have like 18k Gamerscore on Xbox and level 7 on playstation(which trust me takes a few hundred trophies which for a guy who MOSTLY enjoys multiplayer games is nothing to sneeze at) okay wait I am getting ahead of myself.

I was catching the Xbox nation podcast tonight(which was a miracle since youtube has been sucking at sending alerts lately and Youtube Gaming sucked at showing me the start of the podcast) because I enjoy some of the hosts gaming videos MAINLY about Xbox of which I am MOSTLY a Convert, when Xbox live dropped my heart was stolen forever blu ray got me to give Sony some love for 5 years, so of course I want to hear news about my preferred console. As usual there were a few Sony Die hard fans in the chat(also known as Pony’s since it rhymes just go with the sophomoric humor) and while some of them really do want to talk about games, even if it is in a trolly fashion others come in to SWEAR we are all liars. Which is always hilarious, like “wow you are calling me a liar for saying I like something, as if you could PROVE somehow that I don’t like what I claim is this thing I spent money on and are possibly CONTINUING to spend money on.” (more…)


It’s April Fools Day


That means 90% of all pregnancy announcements BULLSHIT.

That “oh I always loved you, why didn’t we ever date” message from that got girl/guy will be posted on twitter, instagram, tumblr or facebook with a bunch of crying emojis at your soft, loving, and romantic response as they use you as clickbait.

Somebody is going to die today, but unless you find out tomorrow, that muffuka gone be bumming a smoke off you in the morning.

Trump Didn’t Get impeached

Nobody has incontrovertible proof that Obama was actually born in Kenya

No that is not an ACTUAL picture of Hillary Clinton’s horns

Elvis is still dead

So is Tupac

And David Bowie

No the Aliens are not here to rescue the people who know Klingon, or Wookie, or Huttese.

That magic pill will not make your dick plump up like a ball park frank and become a footlong

It won’t give you double D’s or the fattest ass either

Whatever hot trailer somebody sent you today, it’s a Rick Roll

And yes, today Rick WILL give you up, and will DAMN SURE let you down.

He already deserted you

No your ex really doesn’t want forgiveness

No I am not admitting to a damn thing, I don’t give a fuck if you have me on video.

Munchkins still ain talking to me, but they will happily steal my drink

and fuck up my name

and try to get me to make mean faces

and walk off with my damn phone “yo, get back here”

No your siblings will NOT remember all the dough they borrowed, til later, when they got you, nah really they got you

I swear I bet if we look up most of the honor duels in history they were like in the first week of April, cause I could see back in the day when you COULDN’T easily find out that somebody was yanking your chain that you wanted to stab they ass. Fuck squaring up bitch, I got you 10 paces at dawn Friday. Draw your sword muffuka, for even WASTING whatever time left before I invariably catch the plague I will END YOU, and probably go fuck your wife, again, cause that WASN’T an April Fools. Bitch ass. I don’t even want to answer my phone or text messages today cause I know most of the people I talk to THINK they funny(they not) and gone do the most, making me want to strangle them and waste bail money. Choking them would have been worth it, but bail afterwards nah.

So pay attention to your surroundings, if you see somebody in a clown outfit run. Like nothing good can come out of meeting up with a clown on April Fool’s day, seriously that is like the ultimate “X figured out the exact moment, when They fucked up!!!” like what is the BEST thing that can happen, the clown just wants a goofy ass selfie. The worst that can happen, fam, it’s a clown, on the national holiday of pranks they have been training for this. Stanky cream pies, nut shots, Ink Flowers, whoopie cushions, hand buzzers, and that is just the TIP of the rusty dick you will probably get fucked with. NO CLOWNS, I don’t mind them on a normal day but today you will catch these hands.


Obviously one does not just Dare Arby’s


Dear Arby’s

The Fuck Is THIS! No, no this is a valid question to ask. I mean we ain even gone get to the fact that they have the words NUTRITIONAL and INFORMATION at the bottom of this picture no no, that is to be tabled to a later discussion. I asked, and the Lady behind the counter said, “the sandwich has EVERY MEAT WE SERVE on it.” Not that I was thinking of ordering it, my affairs aren’t in order, and I personally don’t want to die 5 minutes after eating it nor do I feel like eating salad for the next 6 weeks to get all of that meat out of my body. I mean let’s look at this ignorant shit you have:

  1. Pepper Bacon(of course it starts with bacon, all cakes must be iced)
  2. Roast Beef(cause it’s Arby’s it’s their thing)
  3. Cheddar Cheese
  4. Angus Beef(cause they want this to be a good and flavorful death)
  5. Smoked Brisket
  6. Pit Smoked Ham(I think they believe smoke is a food group
  7. Swiss Cheese(technically at this point we are at Dagwood Level)
  8. Roast Turkey(cause yes both Turkey AND BEEF can be roasted
  9. Chicken Tenders(because if the only thing fried/greasy on this sandwich was bacon they FAILED as sandwich creators *shrug*)
  10. A Star Cut Bun(to solidify locking your bowels up)

This sandwich is served with a BACKHAND from your cardiologist. Your nutritionist will judge you for 6 months after eating this sandwich. This Sandwich looks like they were dared to put a Subway footlong on a Kaiser/Burger Roll. This sandwich looks like Punishment for coming in last at the strongman competition, “there is not enough meat in your system, we must add more meat to make your stronger!” This sandwich looks like it comes with a waiver you must sign to guarantee that you were of good health before you ate the sandwich and that you death within a week of consumption is in no way Arby’s fault. (more…)


It’s about damn time Sony


FINALLY PLAYSTATION HAS COME INTO THE EXTERNAL STORAGE GENERATION! 

Yes it has to be said like that, it has been a sticking point since the middle of the extended console generation of the Xbox 360 and the PS3, Sony has been dicking around with allowing you to use external hard drives to save your games(not you save files but the games themselves) and transport them around. It was actually one of the BIGGEST role reversals in the last two console generations, with the PS3 Sony was DRM’d down and as horror stories came out about it folks were flocking to the Xbox 360 for the free gaming experience and the lack of hardline when it came to whether or not you could buy, sell, or rent the games. Unfortunately when it came to the Xbox one Microsoft jumped too far with the “always on, always connected to the internet” rhetoric when it came to the Xbox one. You had to have the camera(which they had an understandable reason for, it wasn’t explained well) and so was them wanting you to always be connected to the internet(for constant software updates) once again their messenger SUCKED.

The one thing that they DID present correctly was the ability to buy external storage to boost your Xbox One from 500 GB internal(which was what most of the initial consoles of both companies shipped with) to 500 internal plus whatever size external drive was available at the time. In 2013 that would most likely have been a 1 tb, which at the time would have been pretty good for an external drive, and I’m sure if you had an arm or leg to spare you might even find a 2 tb or maybe a 3 tb of the storage with it’s own power source. (more…)


Salt Bae’s ignant ass cousin


Dear Hardees,

While I agree that SALT is a spice, normally it is used SPARINGLY in a dish. To draw out a dishes essence, what folks don’t do is drown something in salt, cook it, then store it in salt, and serve it. I don’t know if it was the preparers first day, or if they thought that they could be the next Salt Bae, or if they were going for a “dry rub” effect.

This is what I do know, that wasn’t Spicy Chicken tenders I got earlier, it was Spicy Salt. I don’t mean that it was KIND of salty, I mean that if it wasn’t for the fact that I topped off my drink BEFORE I left the restaurant then I would probably be a dried up snail on the side of the road. I enjoyed the DBZ movie Lord Slug, I wasn’t trying to become his pompous ass. And I damn sure wasn’t trying to die an ironic death, I just wanted some Spicy Chicken Tenders maybe add a little honey mustard. And the sad thing, once I washed the taste of SALT out of my mouth there was a decent amount of heat. I’m sure there is some chicken down their getting extremely well preserved for the long journey across the plains of “who the fuck taught this muffuka how to cook.” I figure this travesty HOPEFULLY comes down to a few factors (more…)


The first official “shiny head” day of 2017


Eikichi is a dick, yes this is the only way this post can begin. Way back in 07 or 08 when I just got back from Atlanta, pre marital collapse, I returned of course with much shorter hair. When I left in 06 I had past my shoulder locks and when I came back I basically had a low easily maintained fro. The problem with the easily maintained fro was of course it wasn’t my locks, and I didn’t want to go through the relocating process again. So after a good year of letting it grow out, looking scruffy as hell and then trimming it back I had a “fuck it” day.

Now I don’t remember how close to eye patch week “fuck it” day was but I know I grabbed some clippers, went to a mirror and shaved every inch off the top of my head. Now everyone else had a normal reaction: nice cut, you look good, that’s different but no, not Eikichi his ass screams out “Señor Shiny Head”because he’s a 5’8 3/4” DICK and has for the most part screamed it out every mid to late March ever since because that’s about the time of year when I finally shave my head because the weather is warm enough for me to no longer worry about “head colds.”  (more…)


Primal’s “Are you gone eat yo Cornbread” moment


It’s been a shitty day, the ending of which soared the the very top of Shit Mountain, planted a flag, and yodeled in victory. But, I don’t want to talk about that, I still have to decompress. What I will talk about is LUNCH, yes we went to lunch today around 12 pm. Wasn’t nothing special about lunch, just went to McDonald’s ordered a Grand Mac combo, Medium, Spotted Eikichi, got my cup and tried to walk away and then, it happened.

Now understand, people asking you for shit FRESH out the line in Mickey D’s ain new.

  1. Hey man can I get a quarter
  2. Hey Big man can ya spot me
  3. You got any change
  4. Could you buy me
  5. hey can I have some of your

People infringing on your meal time peace of mind is so expected most of us either ignore them out of hand, give them a polite no, or an extremely stern fuck off. But that’s when you hear NORMAL REQUESTS, and I am sure plenty of shit can be added the to five I have up there. But this shit was new (more…)


It’s movie review writing day


Yup, when I get off from work today I have to write the review for John Wick Chapter 2. I’ll start it on blogspot and decide when I get halfway through whether or not it should stay there or come over here. John Wick is an R rated movie, with a lot of cursing, State Birds, blood, gore, death, pain, a slight bit of comedy, and a deep sense of (invented) tradition. I actually have a few titles for it in mind, which is always fun because do I want to be silly with it, do I want to take it out of context or be direct.

Honestly Eikichi is being weird because he is complaining John Wick 2 is too much like Commando, like dude Commando is part of the Royalty of 80’s movies thou shalt not disparage awesome 80’s action movies the fuck? Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rae Dawn Chong, Vernon Wells, Bill Duke, and a young Alyssa Milano how can you act like there is anything wrong with that movie. Lots of explosions, bullets, one liners, and crazy stunts. It’s a joke now but the 80’s invented the “cool guys don’t look at explosions” phenomena. Yeah, so it’s been two days whatever remains of the movie remains THE ESSENCE if you will. Not because I have a terrible memory, but because I watch other things on TV, have a job, and of course I’m planning out my next movie foray whether or not you like a movie depends on how fondly you remember it through the noise of a million other distractions(or at least that’s how I feel), some you love, some you hate, but if you barely remember it well it really couldn’t have been that good now could it.

Anyway enough word salad, I hope everyone has a great Tuesday and for the lovers out there: Lick it before you stick it, lube is your friend, and you can be a little cheeky if you are being freaky but always remember and respect the “safe word”