When I get my head on straight I'll tell ya

Fuck This Day

It’s April Fools Day

That means 90% of all pregnancy announcements BULLSHIT.

That “oh I always loved you, why didn’t we ever date” message from that got girl/guy will be posted on twitter, instagram, tumblr or facebook with a bunch of crying emojis at your soft, loving, and romantic response as they use you as clickbait.

Somebody is going to die today, but unless you find out tomorrow, that muffuka gone be bumming a smoke off you in the morning.

Trump Didn’t Get impeached

Nobody has incontrovertible proof that Obama was actually born in Kenya

No that is not an ACTUAL picture of Hillary Clinton’s horns

Elvis is still dead

So is Tupac

And David Bowie

No the Aliens are not here to rescue the people who know Klingon, or Wookie, or Huttese.

That magic pill will not make your dick plump up like a ball park frank and become a footlong

It won’t give you double D’s or the fattest ass either

Whatever hot trailer somebody sent you today, it’s a Rick Roll

And yes, today Rick WILL give you up, and will DAMN SURE let you down.

He already deserted you

No your ex really doesn’t want forgiveness

No I am not admitting to a damn thing, I don’t give a fuck if you have me on video.

Munchkins still ain talking to me, but they will happily steal my drink

and fuck up my name

and try to get me to make mean faces

and walk off with my damn phone “yo, get back here”

No your siblings will NOT remember all the dough they borrowed, til later, when they got you, nah really they got you

I swear I bet if we look up most of the honor duels in history they were like in the first week of April, cause I could see back in the day when you COULDN’T easily find out that somebody was yanking your chain that you wanted to stab they ass. Fuck squaring up bitch, I got you 10 paces at dawn Friday. Draw your sword muffuka, for even WASTING whatever time left before I invariably catch the plague I will END YOU, and probably go fuck your wife, again, cause that WASN’T an April Fools. Bitch ass. I don’t even want to answer my phone or text messages today cause I know most of the people I talk to THINK they funny(they not) and gone do the most, making me want to strangle them and waste bail money. Choking them would have been worth it, but bail afterwards nah.

So pay attention to your surroundings, if you see somebody in a clown outfit run. Like nothing good can come out of meeting up with a clown on April Fool’s day, seriously that is like the ultimate “X figured out the exact moment, when They fucked up!!!” like what is the BEST thing that can happen, the clown just wants a goofy ass selfie. The worst that can happen, fam, it’s a clown, on the national holiday of pranks they have been training for this. Stanky cream pies, nut shots, Ink Flowers, whoopie cushions, hand buzzers, and that is just the TIP of the rusty dick you will probably get fucked with. NO CLOWNS, I don’t mind them on a normal day but today you will catch these hands.


Salt Bae’s ignant ass cousin

Dear Hardees,

While I agree that SALT is a spice, normally it is used SPARINGLY in a dish. To draw out a dishes essence, what folks don’t do is drown something in salt, cook it, then store it in salt, and serve it. I don’t know if it was the preparers first day, or if they thought that they could be the next Salt Bae, or if they were going for a “dry rub” effect.

This is what I do know, that wasn’t Spicy Chicken tenders I got earlier, it was Spicy Salt. I don’t mean that it was KIND of salty, I mean that if it wasn’t for the fact that I topped off my drink BEFORE I left the restaurant then I would probably be a dried up snail on the side of the road. I enjoyed the DBZ movie Lord Slug, I wasn’t trying to become his pompous ass. And I damn sure wasn’t trying to die an ironic death, I just wanted some Spicy Chicken Tenders maybe add a little honey mustard. And the sad thing, once I washed the taste of SALT out of my mouth there was a decent amount of heat. I’m sure there is some chicken down their getting extremely well preserved for the long journey across the plains of “who the fuck taught this muffuka how to cook.” I figure this travesty HOPEFULLY comes down to a few factors (more…)

Primal’s “Are you gone eat yo Cornbread” moment

It’s been a shitty day, the ending of which soared the the very top of Shit Mountain, planted a flag, and yodeled in victory. But, I don’t want to talk about that, I still have to decompress. What I will talk about is LUNCH, yes we went to lunch today around 12 pm. Wasn’t nothing special about lunch, just went to McDonald’s ordered a Grand Mac combo, Medium, Spotted Eikichi, got my cup and tried to walk away and then, it happened.

Now understand, people asking you for shit FRESH out the line in Mickey D’s ain new.

  1. Hey man can I get a quarter
  2. Hey Big man can ya spot me
  3. You got any change
  4. Could you buy me
  5. hey can I have some of your

People infringing on your meal time peace of mind is so expected most of us either ignore them out of hand, give them a polite no, or an extremely stern fuck off. But that’s when you hear NORMAL REQUESTS, and I am sure plenty of shit can be added the to five I have up there. But this shit was new (more…)

From annnoying to what the fuck in 2 hours

Yes, that is the title of my day. Now for those of you who have only RECENTLY found my language free(a joke on weapons free I am a gamer) blog, you may think this is a little harsh. Let me explain why it isn’t:

SO round about Thursday my toilet decided it didn’t want to flush properly, *annoyed as hell face* so like any other adult, I pulled up my big boy pants, took everything off the back of the toilet and then checked to see what was wrong. Half of the “flapper”(that is the ACTUAL term, don’t believe me? Go to Home Depot and look in the plumbing section, like so) had come off the valve stem. I’m assuming this is the flapper that had been in there since the toilet had been installed because it had some odd looking tannish slime on it. Big boy pants were already up, I wasn’t happy but I reached my had in there, readjusted the flapper so that it was on both sides, made sure that the toilet flushed correctly, THOROUGHLY washed my hands, and went about my day. (more…)

The first RECORDED official FTD of 2016

I know I have already had a few Fuck This Day’s in 2016, nothing is going right shit that is supposed to be easy turns around and bites me squarely on the under cheek of my ass. Not just the cheek but the under cheek, where you really got to dig when it starts itching. So, first stop of the day we are doing a house because his HDMI stopped working no big deal right, WRONG. We plug up the new HDMI extender and it doesn’t work. Now first off the TV is too tight against the wall so MAYBE that is why the previous extender didn’t work so we go downstairs to try it out there, *jeopardy wrong answer sound* nope still doesn’t work so maybe that means the HDMI port on the device doesn’t work anymore because we tested the cables.

Now at some point during lifting and replacing TV’s, removing shelves, changing and testing wires I took my leather coat off. I didn’t really notice because I had my cloth jacket on at the time too(just to have a hood to keep my ears warm), and I mainly took it off for ease of movement. I’m also supposed to be hooking up the internet, hit the WPS button, the Novo connects and here I am ready to get it done, buuuuuut while I am connected, and his internet is secured, there is no internet. Seriously no internet even though I am connected to the router. I run a few tests(that never work), I go through a few other steps and then I just go ahead and unplug it for a 30 count(yes even an IT tech really does unplug the device and do a full power cycle. You’d be surprised how often that shit works) give it a few seconds(longer than it should have taken which should have warned me what I was in for) and boom it connects. I make a few adjustments in the devices, send out the information, and let the customer and boss know what we ran in to as well as that we will have to return.

So we head out to Mississippi and get to the Flying J where I realize summa bitch did I forget my jacket? Ask YB(cause you know at 6’2 he is OUTRAGED when I call him little since you know I’m 5’10. It’s a sibling thing if you got one you understand) fuck it we gotta go back later/somebody else has to head back and check so I just let folks know and we head on out to Holly Springs. Aiight we get our marching orders and we start going about doing the do (more…)