When I get my head on straight I'll tell ya

thinking out loud

Obviously one does not just Dare Arby’s


Dear Arby’s

The Fuck Is THIS! No, no this is a valid question to ask. I mean we ain even gone get to the fact that they have the words NUTRITIONAL and INFORMATION at the bottom of this picture no no, that is to be tabled to a later discussion. I asked, and the Lady behind the counter said, “the sandwich has EVERY MEAT WE SERVE on it.” Not that I was thinking of ordering it, my affairs aren’t in order, and I personally don’t want to die 5 minutes after eating it nor do I feel like eating salad for the next 6 weeks to get all of that meat out of my body. I mean let’s look at this ignorant shit you have:

  1. Pepper Bacon(of course it starts with bacon, all cakes must be iced)
  2. Roast Beef(cause it’s Arby’s it’s their thing)
  3. Cheddar Cheese
  4. Angus Beef(cause they want this to be a good and flavorful death)
  5. Smoked Brisket
  6. Pit Smoked Ham(I think they believe smoke is a food group
  7. Swiss Cheese(technically at this point we are at Dagwood Level)
  8. Roast Turkey(cause yes both Turkey AND BEEF can be roasted
  9. Chicken Tenders(because if the only thing fried/greasy on this sandwich was bacon they FAILED as sandwich creators *shrug*)
  10. A Star Cut Bun(to solidify locking your bowels up)

This sandwich is served with a BACKHAND from your cardiologist. Your nutritionist will judge you for 6 months after eating this sandwich. This Sandwich looks like they were dared to put a Subway footlong on a Kaiser/Burger Roll. This sandwich looks like Punishment for coming in last at the strongman competition, “there is not enough meat in your system, we must add more meat to make your stronger!” This sandwich looks like it comes with a waiver you must sign to guarantee that you were of good health before you ate the sandwich and that you death within a week of consumption is in no way Arby’s fault. (more…)


Salt Bae’s ignant ass cousin


Dear Hardees,

While I agree that SALT is a spice, normally it is used SPARINGLY in a dish. To draw out a dishes essence, what folks don’t do is drown something in salt, cook it, then store it in salt, and serve it. I don’t know if it was the preparers first day, or if they thought that they could be the next Salt Bae, or if they were going for a “dry rub” effect.

This is what I do know, that wasn’t Spicy Chicken tenders I got earlier, it was Spicy Salt. I don’t mean that it was KIND of salty, I mean that if it wasn’t for the fact that I topped off my drink BEFORE I left the restaurant then I would probably be a dried up snail on the side of the road. I enjoyed the DBZ movie Lord Slug, I wasn’t trying to become his pompous ass. And I damn sure wasn’t trying to die an ironic death, I just wanted some Spicy Chicken Tenders maybe add a little honey mustard. And the sad thing, once I washed the taste of SALT out of my mouth there was a decent amount of heat. I’m sure there is some chicken down their getting extremely well preserved for the long journey across the plains of “who the fuck taught this muffuka how to cook.” I figure this travesty HOPEFULLY comes down to a few factors (more…)


The first official “shiny head” day of 2017


Eikichi is a dick, yes this is the only way this post can begin. Way back in 07 or 08 when I just got back from Atlanta, pre marital collapse, I returned of course with much shorter hair. When I left in 06 I had past my shoulder locks and when I came back I basically had a low easily maintained fro. The problem with the easily maintained fro was of course it wasn’t my locks, and I didn’t want to go through the relocating process again. So after a good year of letting it grow out, looking scruffy as hell and then trimming it back I had a “fuck it” day.

Now I don’t remember how close to eye patch week “fuck it” day was but I know I grabbed some clippers, went to a mirror and shaved every inch off the top of my head. Now everyone else had a normal reaction: nice cut, you look good, that’s different but no, not Eikichi his ass screams out “Señor Shiny Head”because he’s a 5’8 3/4” DICK and has for the most part screamed it out every mid to late March ever since because that’s about the time of year when I finally shave my head because the weather is warm enough for me to no longer worry about “head colds.”  (more…)


My full thoughts on the Deadpool 2 teaser


I mentioned it on the Ponderings but lets get into detail about it, because it was fucking awesome. You are walking it to what is most likely Fox’s version of either Skid Row OR Hell’s Kitchen(because technically in Marvel Hell’s Kitchen now called Clinton is the worst part of the city), some random guy in a pair of jeans, boots, and a hoodie is walking down the street with a backpack on. Out of no where you hear muffled music, and then two guys arguing as one is robbing the other. What happens next is a good 48 seconds of absolute stupidity. “Motherfuckers” are dropping left and right, the thief tells his current victim, “Give me your wallet Motherfucker!” Wade (with St. Elmos fire blasting from his headphones) says, “Not on my watch Motherfucker” and then, inexplicably Wade runs to a phone booth, a PHONE BOOTH. Bruh why? Like dude everyone knows who Deadpool is, Wade W. Wilson with his lasagna faced ass.

Of course once he gets into the phone booth the ICONIC Superman music starts playing because yup, Deadpool is trolling Superman. Wade pulls off his backpack, starts pulling his clothes off and his costume on. And this isn’t a fade to black moment, no no you get to see ass cheeks pressed against the opaque glass where if you wish to look away you can see the words “Nathan Summers is coming” written in red on top of the booth OR you can look at the theater in the background which is cheekily playing Logan cause why not. Supposedly it says hope in this trailer somewhere but I was too busy listening to the background convo, which I won’t ruin for you but yes it is up to Deadpool level ridiculousness. (more…)


i.Con or the app/wearable combo that proves how long and how many strokes


Have you ever had that moment, you are at a party and a jilted lover walks up(or one night stand for you Dude Bros) and as a SLIGHTLY drunken argument ensues the discussion of your sexual prowess or lack there of becomes the topic of discussion? Do you want to have wearifiable proof of how well your soldier performed? Do you want to prove that you might not have a foot long but you do have a mouthful? Why do I have a device for you, that’s right the i.Con Smart condom.

Don’t look at me like that, I didn’t invent this shit. I don’t even know how and when somebody decided that we needed a smart watch for our schlongs but it is on it’s way. A British company is making a condom add-on(who we kidding, anybody who buys this unless the condom is required ain gonna buy one they’ll just pop the i.Con on). From the article this bad boy tracks:

  • Calories burnt during sexual intercourse – or what any other smart watch calls random dynamic workout.
  • Total number of thrusts – I mean if you need proof you aren’t a 2, 7, or 15 pump chump. Maybe you want to test The Mac Man’s 50 pumps theory
  • Frequency – Because who doesn’t want to brag about how many times they’ve fucked
  • Total Duration – Did you really cum 2 minutes ago and keep stroking or are you still champion lover
  • Girth Measurement – Hey “eating a fat dick” is not just a great insult anymore, folks actually want it on the menu
  • Speed and average velocity of thrusts – Are you a slow roller or a jack rabbit, this app will tell
  • Different Positions – was it REALLY 23 positions in that one night stand Baby
  • Average Skin Temp – Did you serve her a hot cock or was it really lukewarm, room temp, make chilly.

(more…)


Primal’s “Are you gone eat yo Cornbread” moment


It’s been a shitty day, the ending of which soared the the very top of Shit Mountain, planted a flag, and yodeled in victory. But, I don’t want to talk about that, I still have to decompress. What I will talk about is LUNCH, yes we went to lunch today around 12 pm. Wasn’t nothing special about lunch, just went to McDonald’s ordered a Grand Mac combo, Medium, Spotted Eikichi, got my cup and tried to walk away and then, it happened.

Now understand, people asking you for shit FRESH out the line in Mickey D’s ain new.

  1. Hey man can I get a quarter
  2. Hey Big man can ya spot me
  3. You got any change
  4. Could you buy me
  5. hey can I have some of your

People infringing on your meal time peace of mind is so expected most of us either ignore them out of hand, give them a polite no, or an extremely stern fuck off. But that’s when you hear NORMAL REQUESTS, and I am sure plenty of shit can be added the to five I have up there. But this shit was new (more…)


This is NOT a mic drop Moment


Dear Verizon,

The FUCK is THIS, no seriously how you gonna not only drop A mic but THREE  mics not a month after you dropped this dumbass bombshell. Yes I know it wasn’t that long ago cause I ain been blogging again on here but since the beginning of 2017 and yup looky here this is me COMMENTING on the very foolish nature of the damn “5 GB for 55 bucks cause that’s all your need or really use any fucking way you whiny babies” of the commercial. Seriously who is in your ad and marketing department? Are they going through some family issues, did you turn it over to your young intern department and they really haven’t found their voice yet so they just say whatever comes to mind, cause in a month you went from “Who the fuck needs unlimited data, take this 5 fucking GB’s and pay us our overage fees and like it” to “FINALLY UNLIMITED DATA has come to VERIZON” like that previous shit ain never happen.

I mean I heard that T-mobile clowned you on Twitter, and I see Sprint having a FIELD DAY with that ass in their commercials. I mean it’s one thing to steal your old friend the “Can you hear me now” dude, but to  then make a shitload of videos showing peoples data running out because: everybody data run out we are data whores. (more…)


The GIFT of BOOTY


There is a rumor that comedian Bill Bellamy in a recent interview probably promoting his new show said “BOOTY is not a gift,” since you know it was close to Valentine’s Day and of course everyone knows that both men and women look for gifts for folks. I am sure there were PLENTY of people who agreed with Mr. Bellamy I mean he is a comedy legend, had a few movies back in the day and even some decent cameos BUT Bill Misspoke. It ISN’T that Booty is not a gift, it’s the TYPE of booty that makes it the gift as well as the exoticness of said booty, and I endeavor to explain exactly what I mean.

Now let me be clear, I am in no way saying the Bill doesn’t have a point. I mean if it’s just some roll over “look we both tired lets just get these pumps in and go to bed,” sex no that is not a present nope not at all. That ain even Walmart level booty, that’s like the gas station a block from the house, dieing rose, with a half deflated mylar balloon type booty. You realize you fucked up and forgot to reserve my REAL BOOTY and just throwing something at me so I can’t complain that you ain give me shit type booty. So yes, to the ladies out there(or Men) who came home to their spouse and just dropped an unwritten on envelope, a dead flower, and maybe some half melted chocolate on the table with a half-hearted “happy valentine’s day” we gone discuss how you SHOULD have done better, with the TYPES of Gift Booty you could have given.

(more…)


It’s movie review writing day


Yup, when I get off from work today I have to write the review for John Wick Chapter 2. I’ll start it on blogspot and decide when I get halfway through whether or not it should stay there or come over here. John Wick is an R rated movie, with a lot of cursing, State Birds, blood, gore, death, pain, a slight bit of comedy, and a deep sense of (invented) tradition. I actually have a few titles for it in mind, which is always fun because do I want to be silly with it, do I want to take it out of context or be direct.

Honestly Eikichi is being weird because he is complaining John Wick 2 is too much like Commando, like dude Commando is part of the Royalty of 80’s movies thou shalt not disparage awesome 80’s action movies the fuck? Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rae Dawn Chong, Vernon Wells, Bill Duke, and a young Alyssa Milano how can you act like there is anything wrong with that movie. Lots of explosions, bullets, one liners, and crazy stunts. It’s a joke now but the 80’s invented the “cool guys don’t look at explosions” phenomena. Yeah, so it’s been two days whatever remains of the movie remains THE ESSENCE if you will. Not because I have a terrible memory, but because I watch other things on TV, have a job, and of course I’m planning out my next movie foray whether or not you like a movie depends on how fondly you remember it through the noise of a million other distractions(or at least that’s how I feel), some you love, some you hate, but if you barely remember it well it really couldn’t have been that good now could it.

Anyway enough word salad, I hope everyone has a great Tuesday and for the lovers out there: Lick it before you stick it, lube is your friend, and you can be a little cheeky if you are being freaky but always remember and respect the “safe word”


The day that will live in Infamy


Today is Eikichi’s birthday, my youngest brother The Original Brat, Captain “c’mon just buy me, I got you back later“, as well as the Lord of “what you watch or play is lame” only to be playing some archaic ass game that has a convoluted ass plot or watching some anime with random nudity and multifluidity. Anyone who has a youngest sibling will know that A they have no patience, B they are a snitch, and C they STAY up in your pockets because welp you have had money for the majority of their lives because you older so why not.

Today’s plan is to catch the matinee of John Wick Chapter 2, yes I adjusted my USUAL time schedule to accommodate the fact he’s a grown ass man and might want to do other shit for his birthday. I am not a complete asshole, as far as buying him snacks and shit I own know that muffuka be wanting drinks, Reese’s pieces, and sometimes popcorn. Like YO that’s 20 bucks fam, you ain a cheap date(yes I have actually said that to him). But it should be a fun day for everybody the first John Wick was cool as shit so hopefully this one lives up to the original.