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I think it’s time we stop saying Spider-man Homecoming flopped


And by we I mean of course the people who near the middle of July after the movie had only been out two weeks tried to pretend that Homecoming would not have legs due to an upcoming crowded field. And yet, just like Guardians Vol. 2 and Wonder Woman, in its second month of Release it has hit 300 million plus. Which would be more than BOTH of the Amazing Spider-man movies that Sony released on its own(neither made more than 265 million) were able to scare up. Now no it has not yet  caught up to the ORIGINAL Spider-man run with Maguire and Raimi but it also cost less than all of them to make.

I get it though, as usual people wanted to run out in front. It premiered better than the last two movies(at 117 million. Which Killed ASM by almost its full opening night, and had ASM2 but 20 million) but as it was a packed month with a few other movies coming up in August people wanted to spell doom and gloom. But this movie was going to make 300 million. and 330 to 350 million isn’t completely out of the realm of possibilities either. Did it slow down, yes is there as much competition now as there was saaaaay at the end of July? No. Quite a few movies have come out, either not done as well as expected or else tailed off just as quickly and when you think of movies you want to see again Spider-man stuck close enough to the source material that I can see folks wanting to check out subtle clues they missed. It’s been over a month, yes my review is way late but to put it simply, Marvel Studios threw a “fuck Peter Parker, Cause Stan Lee says so” in there. It was so meta and awesome, because honestly though he is there most famous character, he is also their most famously FUCKED character.  (more…)


It’s April Fools Day


That means 90% of all pregnancy announcements BULLSHIT.

That “oh I always loved you, why didn’t we ever date” message from that got girl/guy will be posted on twitter, instagram, tumblr or facebook with a bunch of crying emojis at your soft, loving, and romantic response as they use you as clickbait.

Somebody is going to die today, but unless you find out tomorrow, that muffuka gone be bumming a smoke off you in the morning.

Trump Didn’t Get impeached

Nobody has incontrovertible proof that Obama was actually born in Kenya

No that is not an ACTUAL picture of Hillary Clinton’s horns

Elvis is still dead

So is Tupac

And David Bowie

No the Aliens are not here to rescue the people who know Klingon, or Wookie, or Huttese.

That magic pill will not make your dick plump up like a ball park frank and become a footlong

It won’t give you double D’s or the fattest ass either

Whatever hot trailer somebody sent you today, it’s a Rick Roll

And yes, today Rick WILL give you up, and will DAMN SURE let you down.

He already deserted you

No your ex really doesn’t want forgiveness

No I am not admitting to a damn thing, I don’t give a fuck if you have me on video.

Munchkins still ain talking to me, but they will happily steal my drink

and fuck up my name

and try to get me to make mean faces

and walk off with my damn phone “yo, get back here”

No your siblings will NOT remember all the dough they borrowed, til later, when they got you, nah really they got you

I swear I bet if we look up most of the honor duels in history they were like in the first week of April, cause I could see back in the day when you COULDN’T easily find out that somebody was yanking your chain that you wanted to stab they ass. Fuck squaring up bitch, I got you 10 paces at dawn Friday. Draw your sword muffuka, for even WASTING whatever time left before I invariably catch the plague I will END YOU, and probably go fuck your wife, again, cause that WASN’T an April Fools. Bitch ass. I don’t even want to answer my phone or text messages today cause I know most of the people I talk to THINK they funny(they not) and gone do the most, making me want to strangle them and waste bail money. Choking them would have been worth it, but bail afterwards nah.

So pay attention to your surroundings, if you see somebody in a clown outfit run. Like nothing good can come out of meeting up with a clown on April Fool’s day, seriously that is like the ultimate “X figured out the exact moment, when They fucked up!!!” like what is the BEST thing that can happen, the clown just wants a goofy ass selfie. The worst that can happen, fam, it’s a clown, on the national holiday of pranks they have been training for this. Stanky cream pies, nut shots, Ink Flowers, whoopie cushions, hand buzzers, and that is just the TIP of the rusty dick you will probably get fucked with. NO CLOWNS, I don’t mind them on a normal day but today you will catch these hands.


Obviously one does not just Dare Arby’s


Dear Arby’s

The Fuck Is THIS! No, no this is a valid question to ask. I mean we ain even gone get to the fact that they have the words NUTRITIONAL and INFORMATION at the bottom of this picture no no, that is to be tabled to a later discussion. I asked, and the Lady behind the counter said, “the sandwich has EVERY MEAT WE SERVE on it.” Not that I was thinking of ordering it, my affairs aren’t in order, and I personally don’t want to die 5 minutes after eating it nor do I feel like eating salad for the next 6 weeks to get all of that meat out of my body. I mean let’s look at this ignorant shit you have:

  1. Pepper Bacon(of course it starts with bacon, all cakes must be iced)
  2. Roast Beef(cause it’s Arby’s it’s their thing)
  3. Cheddar Cheese
  4. Angus Beef(cause they want this to be a good and flavorful death)
  5. Smoked Brisket
  6. Pit Smoked Ham(I think they believe smoke is a food group
  7. Swiss Cheese(technically at this point we are at Dagwood Level)
  8. Roast Turkey(cause yes both Turkey AND BEEF can be roasted
  9. Chicken Tenders(because if the only thing fried/greasy on this sandwich was bacon they FAILED as sandwich creators *shrug*)
  10. A Star Cut Bun(to solidify locking your bowels up)

This sandwich is served with a BACKHAND from your cardiologist. Your nutritionist will judge you for 6 months after eating this sandwich. This Sandwich looks like they were dared to put a Subway footlong on a Kaiser/Burger Roll. This sandwich looks like Punishment for coming in last at the strongman competition, “there is not enough meat in your system, we must add more meat to make your stronger!” This sandwich looks like it comes with a waiver you must sign to guarantee that you were of good health before you ate the sandwich and that you death within a week of consumption is in no way Arby’s fault. (more…)


All this for a car and a puppy


Abram Tarasov is having a bad day. His nephew Iosef had to be the dumbest fuck on the planet, he not only killed a dog, he stole the dog owners car and brought it here. Now normally Abram a Russian mob boss wouldn’t give a fuck, unfortunately this car is a 1969 Ford Mustang Mach 1 the car of the one and only John FUCKING WICK. A car which John Wick is most likely on his way to retrieve, for which Abram is trying to liquidate everything he has because if he doesn’t have it in his possession MAYBE John Wick won’t find a way to kill him with something painful and unnecessary.

What Abram doesn’t know is that John Wick is about to drive out of his garage with his beloved car… That is until Abram’s men decide to piss John off and stop him from retrieving his property to which John decides: Fuck it, EVERYBODY has to die. John Wick proceeds to spend the next 20 minutes fishtailing people into walls, running people over, slamming peoples heads into cars, breaking their necks, punching them in the throat and then some big bulky Russian tosses John to the ground and walks up to him like “I ain scared of you Boogey Man” only for John to shoot him in BOTH FUCKING KNEES.

Ladies and Gentleman:John which had that gun on him the entire time, beat the fuck out of multiple people who had guns, with his bare heads, like PAINFULLY fucked them up and he had a gun on him the whole fucking time. Like, “yes I could swiftly put you out of your misery, but you assholes fucked up my care so NOW I got to whip as many of yall asses as I can because I am a little miffed at the damage to my car.”

So AFTER the 20 minutes is up, John Walks upstairs, opens Abrams door, pours 2 cups of vodka, and says in fluent Russian “Peace,” to which Abram replies: Can a Man like you EVER know peace. Abram, shut the fuck up, drink the vodka and live muffuka. (more…)


Dear hearts, let me soothe you


I know some of yall had your hopes up, you did I know it looked so damn appealing. Which is when you should have known it was a set up, the NFL has set Tom Brady up to always be the PERFECT Underdog.

Tom Brady against the league(pfft unless Brady is hurt the Patriots Cakewalk through their division whats 4 games when you always win the division anyway?)

Tom Brady against father time(Brady doesn’t run, he mostly drops back and passes father time doesn’t bother him at all)

Tom Brady against the scoreboard(Did you forget that MOST of Brady’s Super Bowl wins came via comeback?)

Seriously though, if the guy QBing the other team ISN’T named Manning Tom Brady is going to win. I think he and Peyton were within a game of each other in the win loss column and Eli is undefeated vs Brady in the post season but other than that, 5-2 yup if Eli Manning ain playing on the other side of the ball Brady is just waiting for the zeroes to click down on his next ring. “It doesn’t happen like that, Tom Brady is just a great player” he is a great player who somehow always gets the flags and his opponents never do(unless again their last name is Manning), this is not to say that I feel bad for the Atlanta Falcons yeah yeah they did well against my lack of faith in them for 2 weeks ain mean shit. They were in the Superbowl vs Tom Brady, they didn’t realize they had lost yet in the first half but when they went up by 3 scores ol Tom had them right where he wanted them. Comfortable, thinking they were in control, in at the half celebrating already. (more…)


This is my 100th post


This is what post 100 looks like, similar to the first (Hello World) it’s just a place holder. I could delete it but what would be the fun in that


The New Edition Story


BE Lauriette

new-edition-1024x682

Last night, the New Edition Story debuted on BET. I always wanted to know what happened behind the scenes with the New Edition R&B music group. The original New Edition members consist of Ralph Tresvant, Ricky Bell, Bobby Brown, Ronnie DeVoe, and Michael Bivins. Johnny Gill joins the music group later. Back in the 80’s, we didn’t have the internet. So, we would hear rumors about what was going on. We see their humble beginnings growing up in the projects. You can see the budding attitudes and egos emerging in youth. We got a chance to see how the boys’ mothers react to their success. It was a pleasure to finally see Lisa Nicole Carson back on the screen. She has been away from the movie industry due to personal issues. The only critique I have so far is that the young boys cast to play Ricky and Ralph should have…

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2016 a quick review of my geekdom


End of the year things got crazy and hectic so I never did the blog for the last few movies I watched. I did one for Deadpool, I did one for Batman v Superman(one of these days I will watch the extended version so I could see how much they cut out to give us CONCENTRATED suck), I watched Civil War, Age of Wesuckatthis I mean Apocalypse(dude clothespins were needed), Jason Bourne(which was good though a little repetitive), Suicide Squad(damn good job with that movie, which means DC can do a good NON Batman centric comic movie, maybe it’s just Snyder), Doctor Strange and Rogue one. I would bitch that Star Wars seems to be kissing up to my mother since they keep putting out movies around her birthday but if it wasn’t for the lady I wouldn’t like Sci Fi like I do. I had wanted to see a lot more movies in 2016 but my schedule didn’t line up like I wanted it to.

Usually I also read a few books here and there being that I have a tablet with a sim card in it, but I got bogged down with two books John Carter of Mars(hardback) and The Bone Clocks(digital, I own the physical book given to me by a friend but it just bogged down on me). John Carter after a while it was just explaining too much, I know when the story was written they had never SEEN the red planet up close, we’ve sent probes, we’ve remodeled various movie sets to better accommodate what Mars most likely(or absolutely since like I said PROBES with video) looks like so while I can appreciate the need to explain it in the most minute detail to readers of his era, for me it’s like “fam, you are putting too big a break in the action to explain this. Yes the world looks wonderful but about this ass JC was just kicking.” Of course the worst part about it is that I bought a book that is like 5 books in one so me not finishing it means I haven’t finished 5 books not one. I also got through a Hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy and most of “The cafe at the end of the universe” I have the hardback of the compendium(sweet) but I already had the digital copies so it is still in the plastic, pristine, unblemished by grubby fingers. (more…)


Bardicbloggger


WHETHER YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF WRITING YOU’RE MASTERPIECE OR JUST ABOUT TO BEGIN HERE’S HOW TO SURVIVE THOSE BUSY WRITING MONTHS. 1. PACK YOUR LUNCH Writers are notoriously bad for getting so engrossed in their work that they forget to eat. You might be struggling for time and spending hours making meals is the […]

via Novel Writing Survival Guide — bardicblogger


Warzone Firefight Beta:Did you miss the end of Halo:reach


It’s obvious some of you did, it’s really damn obvious some of you did: you and a few buddies against the covenant hordes, good times right? Cause that’s exactly what this Beta is for the next Halo:Guardians expansion, you and up to 8 people against 5 waves of covenant, prometheans and whatever else they can throw at you. Now unlike reach it isn’t one and done, no no you have endless lives. Well Endless lives as long as you can get up within that 5 minutes a finish the rounds objective. Whether it’s killing all the grunts, crawlers, or soldiers in the first wave, to eliminating the Watchers, ghosts in the second, or jackals in the second round, third is usually something really annoying:Killing Knights, Phaetons, or Banshees and sometimes protecting the garage,  round 4 is the big brother of whatever you fought in round 3, and round 5 is all the warzone bosses, so if you fought covenant you have to wipe out all the covenant bosses, prometheans that’s right 3 count them 3 Warden Eternals.

Now it’s not relentless waves, you get about a 1 minute long intermission between each round to hit the req station before the shit hits the fan for the next round. Teamwork is a must because whatever isn’t your objective is coming to shoot you in the back to keep you from finishing the objective. The more you kill the faster your req level fills up and my recommendation save it til level 5, especially if you are making good time in the other rounds you may need to use it at round 4 but if you have a banshee or a tank sitting around everybody will love you, because you can just fire death from afar and clear the pathway. And when it is time to kill the hunters in the base nothing says Loving like a giant ball of plasma to the face, repeatedly, cause fuck those guys. Splash damage is your friend because they are damn sure gonna use it against you, so I say pound them like they owe you money, it’s payday and you have a hot date tonight. You earn experience and req (more…)