When I get my head on straight I'll tell ya

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Hidey Ho, Primal the blogger here


I got a moose in the next room(My nephew) and I am waiting for my pre-order to come through. Yes I pre ordered Injustice 2, the first one was extremely fun and while I waited til it was long in the tooth to buy it I had a blast playing it way on the PS4. I got I2 for the X-bone though. The only annoying thing, I misread WHEN it would be available, I saw 11 o’clock I thought they meant eastern time. No, Primal they meant in your Time Zone because it’s available at midnight.

So guess who just tried to play Injustice 2 54 minutes early? Yes I know most likely by the time I finish this blog, edit it, mark it up and yadda yadda it will probably be midnight, but that doesn’t change the fact that I was rushing, a game, that I already paid for, because I am an impatient ass.(Eikichi is somewhere laughing hysterically in agreement right now, so fuck him in advance). Read the rest of this page »

It’s April Fools Day


That means 90% of all pregnancy announcements BULLSHIT.

That “oh I always loved you, why didn’t we ever date” message from that got girl/guy will be posted on twitter, instagram, tumblr or facebook with a bunch of crying emojis at your soft, loving, and romantic response as they use you as clickbait.

Somebody is going to die today, but unless you find out tomorrow, that muffuka gone be bumming a smoke off you in the morning.

Trump Didn’t Get impeached

Nobody has incontrovertible proof that Obama was actually born in Kenya

No that is not an ACTUAL picture of Hillary Clinton’s horns

Elvis is still dead

So is Tupac

And David Bowie

No the Aliens are not here to rescue the people who know Klingon, or Wookie, or Huttese.

That magic pill will not make your dick plump up like a ball park frank and become a footlong

It won’t give you double D’s or the fattest ass either

Whatever hot trailer somebody sent you today, it’s a Rick Roll

And yes, today Rick WILL give you up, and will DAMN SURE let you down.

He already deserted you

No your ex really doesn’t want forgiveness

No I am not admitting to a damn thing, I don’t give a fuck if you have me on video.

Munchkins still ain talking to me, but they will happily steal my drink

and fuck up my name

and try to get me to make mean faces

and walk off with my damn phone “yo, get back here”

No your siblings will NOT remember all the dough they borrowed, til later, when they got you, nah really they got you

I swear I bet if we look up most of the honor duels in history they were like in the first week of April, cause I could see back in the day when you COULDN’T easily find out that somebody was yanking your chain that you wanted to stab they ass. Fuck squaring up bitch, I got you 10 paces at dawn Friday. Draw your sword muffuka, for even WASTING whatever time left before I invariably catch the plague I will END YOU, and probably go fuck your wife, again, cause that WASN’T an April Fools. Bitch ass. I don’t even want to answer my phone or text messages today cause I know most of the people I talk to THINK they funny(they not) and gone do the most, making me want to strangle them and waste bail money. Choking them would have been worth it, but bail afterwards nah.

So pay attention to your surroundings, if you see somebody in a clown outfit run. Like nothing good can come out of meeting up with a clown on April Fool’s day, seriously that is like the ultimate “X figured out the exact moment, when They fucked up!!!” like what is the BEST thing that can happen, the clown just wants a goofy ass selfie. The worst that can happen, fam, it’s a clown, on the national holiday of pranks they have been training for this. Stanky cream pies, nut shots, Ink Flowers, whoopie cushions, hand buzzers, and that is just the TIP of the rusty dick you will probably get fucked with. NO CLOWNS, I don’t mind them on a normal day but today you will catch these hands.

Obviously one does not just Dare Arby’s


Dear Arby’s

The Fuck Is THIS! No, no this is a valid question to ask. I mean we ain even gone get to the fact that they have the words NUTRITIONAL and INFORMATION at the bottom of this picture no no, that is to be tabled to a later discussion. I asked, and the Lady behind the counter said, “the sandwich has EVERY MEAT WE SERVE on it.” Not that I was thinking of ordering it, my affairs aren’t in order, and I personally don’t want to die 5 minutes after eating it nor do I feel like eating salad for the next 6 weeks to get all of that meat out of my body. I mean let’s look at this ignorant shit you have:

  1. Pepper Bacon(of course it starts with bacon, all cakes must be iced)
  2. Roast Beef(cause it’s Arby’s it’s their thing)
  3. Cheddar Cheese
  4. Angus Beef(cause they want this to be a good and flavorful death)
  5. Smoked Brisket
  6. Pit Smoked Ham(I think they believe smoke is a food group
  7. Swiss Cheese(technically at this point we are at Dagwood Level)
  8. Roast Turkey(cause yes both Turkey AND BEEF can be roasted
  9. Chicken Tenders(because if the only thing fried/greasy on this sandwich was bacon they FAILED as sandwich creators *shrug*)
  10. A Star Cut Bun(to solidify locking your bowels up)

This sandwich is served with a BACKHAND from your cardiologist. Your nutritionist will judge you for 6 months after eating this sandwich. This Sandwich looks like they were dared to put a Subway footlong on a Kaiser/Burger Roll. This sandwich looks like Punishment for coming in last at the strongman competition, “there is not enough meat in your system, we must add more meat to make your stronger!” This sandwich looks like it comes with a waiver you must sign to guarantee that you were of good health before you ate the sandwich and that you death within a week of consumption is in no way Arby’s fault. Read the rest of this page »

It’s about damn time Sony


FINALLY PLAYSTATION HAS COME INTO THE EXTERNAL STORAGE GENERATION! 

Yes it has to be said like that, it has been a sticking point since the middle of the extended console generation of the Xbox 360 and the PS3, Sony has been dicking around with allowing you to use external hard drives to save your games(not you save files but the games themselves) and transport them around. It was actually one of the BIGGEST role reversals in the last two console generations, with the PS3 Sony was DRM’d down and as horror stories came out about it folks were flocking to the Xbox 360 for the free gaming experience and the lack of hardline when it came to whether or not you could buy, sell, or rent the games. Unfortunately when it came to the Xbox one Microsoft jumped too far with the “always on, always connected to the internet” rhetoric when it came to the Xbox one. You had to have the camera(which they had an understandable reason for, it wasn’t explained well) and so was them wanting you to always be connected to the internet(for constant software updates) once again their messenger SUCKED.

The one thing that they DID present correctly was the ability to buy external storage to boost your Xbox One from 500 GB internal(which was what most of the initial consoles of both companies shipped with) to 500 internal plus whatever size external drive was available at the time. In 2013 that would most likely have been a 1 tb, which at the time would have been pretty good for an external drive, and I’m sure if you had an arm or leg to spare you might even find a 2 tb or maybe a 3 tb of the storage with it’s own power source. Read the rest of this page »

Salt Bae’s ignant ass cousin


Dear Hardees,

While I agree that SALT is a spice, normally it is used SPARINGLY in a dish. To draw out a dishes essence, what folks don’t do is drown something in salt, cook it, then store it in salt, and serve it. I don’t know if it was the preparers first day, or if they thought that they could be the next Salt Bae, or if they were going for a “dry rub” effect.

This is what I do know, that wasn’t Spicy Chicken tenders I got earlier, it was Spicy Salt. I don’t mean that it was KIND of salty, I mean that if it wasn’t for the fact that I topped off my drink BEFORE I left the restaurant then I would probably be a dried up snail on the side of the road. I enjoyed the DBZ movie Lord Slug, I wasn’t trying to become his pompous ass. And I damn sure wasn’t trying to die an ironic death, I just wanted some Spicy Chicken Tenders maybe add a little honey mustard. And the sad thing, once I washed the taste of SALT out of my mouth there was a decent amount of heat. I’m sure there is some chicken down their getting extremely well preserved for the long journey across the plains of “who the fuck taught this muffuka how to cook.” I figure this travesty HOPEFULLY comes down to a few factors Read the rest of this page »

The first official “shiny head” day of 2017


Eikichi is a dick, yes this is the only way this post can begin. Way back in 07 or 08 when I just got back from Atlanta, pre marital collapse, I returned of course with much shorter hair. When I left in 06 I had past my shoulder locks and when I came back I basically had a low easily maintained fro. The problem with the easily maintained fro was of course it wasn’t my locks, and I didn’t want to go through the relocating process again. So after a good year of letting it grow out, looking scruffy as hell and then trimming it back I had a “fuck it” day.

Now I don’t remember how close to eye patch week “fuck it” day was but I know I grabbed some clippers, went to a mirror and shaved every inch off the top of my head. Now everyone else had a normal reaction: nice cut, you look good, that’s different but no, not Eikichi his ass screams out “Señor Shiny Head”because he’s a 5’8 3/4” DICK and has for the most part screamed it out every mid to late March ever since because that’s about the time of year when I finally shave my head because the weather is warm enough for me to no longer worry about “head colds.”  Read the rest of this page »

My full thoughts on the Deadpool 2 teaser


I mentioned it on the Ponderings but lets get into detail about it, because it was fucking awesome. You are walking it to what is most likely Fox’s version of either Skid Row OR Hell’s Kitchen(because technically in Marvel Hell’s Kitchen now called Clinton is the worst part of the city), some random guy in a pair of jeans, boots, and a hoodie is walking down the street with a backpack on. Out of no where you hear muffled music, and then two guys arguing as one is robbing the other. What happens next is a good 48 seconds of absolute stupidity. “Motherfuckers” are dropping left and right, the thief tells his current victim, “Give me your wallet Motherfucker!” Wade (with St. Elmos fire blasting from his headphones) says, “Not on my watch Motherfucker” and then, inexplicably Wade runs to a phone booth, a PHONE BOOTH. Bruh why? Like dude everyone knows who Deadpool is, Wade W. Wilson with his lasagna faced ass.

Of course once he gets into the phone booth the ICONIC Superman music starts playing because yup, Deadpool is trolling Superman. Wade pulls off his backpack, starts pulling his clothes off and his costume on. And this isn’t a fade to black moment, no no you get to see ass cheeks pressed against the opaque glass where if you wish to look away you can see the words “Nathan Summers is coming” written in red on top of the booth OR you can look at the theater in the background which is cheekily playing Logan cause why not. Supposedly it says hope in this trailer somewhere but I was too busy listening to the background convo, which I won’t ruin for you but yes it is up to Deadpool level ridiculousness. Read the rest of this page »

i.Con or the app/wearable combo that proves how long and how many strokes


Have you ever had that moment, you are at a party and a jilted lover walks up(or one night stand for you Dude Bros) and as a SLIGHTLY drunken argument ensues the discussion of your sexual prowess or lack there of becomes the topic of discussion? Do you want to have wearifiable proof of how well your soldier performed? Do you want to prove that you might not have a foot long but you do have a mouthful? Why do I have a device for you, that’s right the i.Con Smart condom.

Don’t look at me like that, I didn’t invent this shit. I don’t even know how and when somebody decided that we needed a smart watch for our schlongs but it is on it’s way. A British company is making a condom add-on(who we kidding, anybody who buys this unless the condom is required ain gonna buy one they’ll just pop the i.Con on). From the article this bad boy tracks:

  • Calories burnt during sexual intercourse – or what any other smart watch calls random dynamic workout.
  • Total number of thrusts – I mean if you need proof you aren’t a 2, 7, or 15 pump chump. Maybe you want to test The Mac Man’s 50 pumps theory
  • Frequency – Because who doesn’t want to brag about how many times they’ve fucked
  • Total Duration – Did you really cum 2 minutes ago and keep stroking or are you still champion lover
  • Girth Measurement – Hey “eating a fat dick” is not just a great insult anymore, folks actually want it on the menu
  • Speed and average velocity of thrusts – Are you a slow roller or a jack rabbit, this app will tell
  • Different Positions – was it REALLY 23 positions in that one night stand Baby
  • Average Skin Temp – Did you serve her a hot cock or was it really lukewarm, room temp, make chilly.

Read the rest of this page »

Throwback Thursday(Non Traditional)


Usually for throwback thursday I dig up an old post I was working on, find the last date it was edited, add it to the title and viola throwback thursday post. Unfortunately I have been finishing posts up(for the most part). So this week I am going to grab a post from “Primal’s Ponderings” now I WAS going to grab one of my more popular posts from there and say tada, with a little bit of extra put in for flourish over here on the press. But instead I think I am going to revisit one of my “movies I want to see made posts” in honor of one of them coming out this year. So here it is

Justice League

This is actually a 2 parter, since this is BEFORE I learned a decent pagination technique for blogger. And trust me it could have been a few pages long I just went into the basics of the “core 6” so to speak: Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern, and The Flash. Now sometimes Green Arrow is on this list, some may wish to add Red Tornado or one of the Hawks. I also think that as they tend to be a “catch all” you could go the Justice League Unlimited route and just add everybody switching up pieces as needed. This is of course about the Movies, not the cartoons though and even the live action TV shows because we have had them do both the All Male Justice League on Smallville and they APPEAR to be assembling the Junior Justice League AKA Young Justice on The CW’s current run of TV shows. Read the rest of this page »

The Open Beta for Ghost Recon: Wildlands


So there is a new Ghost Recon coming out(hey they blew the dust off Rainbow Six so why not) it is set in Bolivia going after a drug lord. Excuse me, I am acting like you know this game: Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon: Wildlands. In the middle of last generations console wars(Ps3, Xbox 360, and yeah it was just them lol) a bunch of Tom Clancy games were release by Ubisoft among them were:

  • Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell
  • Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon
  • Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six
  • Tom Clancy’s Endwar
  • Tom Clancy’s H.A.W.X.

Most of these games were set in “the modern era” I have that in quotes because it mostly meant cold war to present(which at that time would have been the mid 2000’s) and took you through a lot of detailed and varied environments. The Rainbow Six series took place in mostly urban/populated environments while Ghost Recon tended to be battlefield/wide open areas where cover was usually vegetation and team based strategy was at a premium. The games in bold were my favorites, and some might wonder how is that different from Battlefield(wide open spaces) and Call of Duty(urban/populated environs with lots of team based strategy). That is simple, prior to the success of the Rainbow 6 series Call of Duty tended to be set in word war II or at least have World War II style weapons and action and Battlefield as well. Now there is nothing wrong with historical fighting games, but Tom Clancy games made use of modern technology and modern weapons. Read the rest of this page »